How to find out if a child is telling the truth. The child is lying

Children's lies. To us adults, she seems so simple-minded and naive. But the reasons that a child begins to lie to his parents cannot be called harmless or insignificant. Does your child fantasize and pass these fantasies off as reality? Or is he telling lies, trying to hide some of his actions and actions from your watchful attention? How to stop a child from lying? Do not rush to expose the toddler and punish him. After all, if we approach the problem from the point of view of psychologists, then, rather, educational work should be carried out, first, with the parents themselves. So that they do not mistakenly begin to fight the investigation, which, in essence, is a lie. But we tried to understand the reasons that encourage children to resort to such an unpopular way of getting out of situations that are uncomfortable for them.

Children lie to their parents because for some reason they feel uncomfortable in their world.

This is a balm for mental wounds.
This is an internal conflict that has found a way out.
This is a lifeline in a seemingly hopeless situation.

And what are children's lies for parents?

This is a distress signal.
This is a call for help.
This is an indicator that in the world of your beloved baby, not everything is as good as it might seem to you at first glance.

No matter how sad it may sound for you, the fact that the baby began to lie to you indicates a crisis of trust in your relationship. And it is you, the parents, who need to look for ways out of this crisis, as the more experienced, balanced, authoritative ones.

Children lie when they stop trusting their loved ones

Do not rush to expose your child in a lie and scold him for. Try to understand why the baby felt the need to tell you a lie. After all, often, the reasons for children’s lies are not at all those that are visible to you upon superficial examination.

You will not find a single recipe for solving this problem. Everyone will have their own. Depending on the problems of mutual understanding that have arisen between you and your child.

A crisis of trust between parents and children occurs when the older generation chooses the wrong model of relationships and not entirely correct tactics for raising their children.

The baby will not lie to you if his life flows calmly and measuredly, if everything is in order with him. And you shouldn’t think that he allows himself to tell you lies because the little one doesn’t love or respect you.

Try to understand what is really behind his lies. What particular need is the baby trying to satisfy in this way? This will be the answer to the question: “How to wean a child from lying?”

Children lie when they are afraid of punishment and reproach.

Why do children tell lies?

Any parent tries to give their child the best, tries to convey to him their experience and their life wisdom, puts a piece of their soul into their beloved “little blood”. But despite all this, moms and dads are still doing something wrong. I wonder what it could be?

What are the reasons that, sooner or later, our children begin to tell us lies?

Excessive severity. If you punish the little one for the wrongdoings he has committed, then you shouldn’t be surprised that the little one is lying to you, trying to avoid yet another censure for what he has done.
Play on feelings. If you are demonstratively upset, clutch your heart, blame your child for your poor health after his pranks or bad grades, you yourself provoke him to hide his mistakes in every possible way, so as not to upset you.
Lack of attention. If a child comes up with and tells everyone who is willing to listen to him, stories about a happy family, about how his parents love him, how attentive they are to him, then maybe all this is what he really lacks. And he plays pranks and lies only in order to attract your attention, which he so lacks.
Inferiority complex. The baby may be dissatisfied with himself. This happens when parents often criticize him, thereby developing an inferiority complex in the little person. A lie in this case is an attempt to change, to embellish a not very rosy reality. Become worthy of respect and admiration in your own eyes and in the eyes of others.
Limitations in the expression of emotions . A child is not a robot. He cannot always have the same, necessarily good, mood. He may be sad and upset, he may be irritated and even furious. And if he is prevented from showing these emotions and giving them vent, he will simply withdraw into himself and begin to lie. For the sake of his parents who always want to see him as a cheerful and cheerful toddler.
Fantasies. Visionaries and dreamers are perhaps the cutest and most attractive of all the little liars. And such a lie is, rather, a manifestation of creativity and too much. The lies of dreamers are quite harmless if you understand them and direct them in the right direction in time. Maybe you have a modern Jules Verne or your own Jacques Yves Cousteau growing up in your family?..

Or maybe your baby is not lying, but just fantasizing? Then you need to direct this feature of it in the right direction.

Well, did you manage to determine its main reasons based on the nature of the child’s lies? If yes, then you have already passed half the way to eradicating this habit in your baby.

Now the main thing is to draw the right conclusions and diligently work on your own mistakes in .

How to wean a 4-5 year old child from lying to his parents?

It often happens that the child is still very young, but he has already encountered your disapproval.

And, afraid to see him in your eyes once again, afraid to lose your love, he, having done something that, as the little one is sure, will entail this very disapproval, uses lies as salvation, as protection. How to prevent lying, whatever its reasons, from becoming a habit and becoming the norm for a child?

If a child believes in your kind attitude towards him, he will not be afraid to confess to you his wrongdoing.

What should parents do in such circumstances?

Sit down next to your baby so that your eyes are at the same level.
Calmly tell him that you know that the little one lied to you.
Ask your child to tell you the truth, assuring him in advance that you will not be angry with him or punish him.
Be sure to emphasize how much you love the baby. And no matter what he does, you will not love him less.
When your child gains confidence in you and tells you the truth, keep your word - do not blame him.
Help the baby understand the current situation. Explain what the baby did wrong. And be sure to tell us what you should have done in this situation.
End the conversation with another assurance that you love him, and are always ready to help your little one in any situation.

Of course, one such conversation is not always enough to completely restore trust.

Growing up, the child tries to protect his personal space from strangers. And he should be allowed to do this. Within reason, of course

What to do if a teenager (7-9 years old and older) cheats?

When children reach adolescence, very often the reason for their lies is the desire to create a personal space for themselves, a territory independent of adults, where only the child himself will be the owner.

And your task is to provide this territory to your teenager. Within reasonable limits, of course. But to give the child a real feeling that he has moved to a new stage of growing up.

Mom and Dad understand this. And we are ready to build relationships with him on a new level. But greater independence is not synonymous with permissiveness. Therefore, it is important here to clearly outline the scope of a teenager’s independence at this age stage.

And it is even more important that the child himself agrees with these frameworks. Discuss and be prepared to compromise. You can even enter into a written agreement. An agreement between two parties, when tangible, is more powerful.

If a teenager is sure that his parents love him, that they act only in the interests of his well-being, that they are always ready to listen, understand and forgive, he will not lie even if some agreements are violated.

Mom and dad, create a trusting relationship in the family, become not only mentors, but friends for your child, and he will simply have no reason to tell you lies!

A child can be honest with his parents

When he is not afraid of punishment, anger and loss of love from those closest to him.
When he is sure that he will not be humiliated, no matter what happens.
When he knows that his parents will support him in any situation.
When you don't skimp on praise and encouragement.
When there is trust and mutual understanding between you and the child.

And never forget about personal example. How sincere, honest and open you are, the more your children will inherit these qualities from you. Create an atmosphere of agreement and harmony in your family. And then its small members will not seek salvation from adversity and loneliness in lies...

Video “How to stop a child from lying?”

Every parent wants to be a friend to their child and have a trusting relationship with him. But at one moment the realization comes: the child is lying. Your beloved child does this not because he likes to deceive you. Children's lies mask serious problems in relationships between family members. To regain trust and improve relationships, you need to find the root cause of the deception.

Why does the child lie?

A child will not lie out of nowhere, unless this is a one-time attempt to probe the situation and satisfy interest. Who would lie for fun, what's the point? If a baby wants to play, he fantasizes, but this is clearly different from deception. A lie always has specific reasons, and the motives for systematic lying can be different.

Fear of being punished for lying.

A child is afraid of punishment for wrongdoing, so it’s easier to lie. If parents threaten him with punishment for not doing homework on time, not reading a book, not putting away toys before bed, etc., the child is more likely to lie than to tell the truth. At the same time, he can automatically lie even when the parent has the opportunity to check the result. For example, the son left a mess in the room, but said that he put away the toys, although dad could easily check this. In this case, the fear of punishment for the disorder takes precedence over the fear of deception.

Parents often make the mistake of setting too high a standard for their child. You need to understand that a five-year-old child cannot always organize himself independently and follow a clear algorithm: put toys in their places, hang clothes on a high chair or put them in a closet, pack a backpack for the sports section without being reminded. It’s easier for him to lie so as not to anger anyone with his disorganization once again.

The parents' habit of insulting the child only aggravates the situation. “I knew you’d forget again!”, “What a bungler you are, when will you learn?!”, “Who are you so clueless about?” Such phrases humiliate the child and can withdraw him into himself, and then constant lies are inevitable.

The desire to assert oneself.

Situations of deception to increase self-esteem occur after 6 years. For example, a boy wants to look “cooler” in the company of peers or older children, so he begins to compose fables like “my brother is studying at the institute” or “my dad is the chief of police and caught 100 thieves.” It doesn't look particularly criminal. This is true, if this happens rarely, and besides, children come up with something to brag about to others on the fly.

It’s another matter if a child constantly lies that he lives in a huge apartment, or that all family members have their own car, or that his dad is a businessman, when in fact he is a plumber. Most likely, the child is worried about his social status. Parents need to find out what is the reason for this concern: are his peers laughing at his family, humiliating him, calling him names? Or they don’t hire him to the company because he doesn’t measure up to his position? The desire to be on the same level as their peers pushes children to cheat.

Rebellious spirit.

Most often, teenagers lie for this reason. Children from 12 to 16 years old are going through difficult times; nature demands rebellion and rebellion. A lie is a protest against parental boundaries, restrictions and, in general, everything that relatives are trying to impose, supposedly out of good intentions. It is useless to swear, let alone punish, you will still end up in the eyes of a teenager as a despot and an unjust parent.

All children experience a period of youthful maximalism. Every question from a parent is met with hostility or regarded as an attempt at control and pressure. A child can lie without even thinking about how ridiculous his lie looks, this is not what is important to him. His whole message boils down to one thing: “Leave me alone, I myself know what to do.” The teenager needs to go through this experience. If you constantly argue with your offspring and prove that he is wrong, that his parents know better, he will only move away from you. Trust will be lost: why tell the truth to someone who does not understand you? It’s easier to shrug it off and slam the door.

Bad example.

There are often situations when parents lie in front of their children, and then are surprised that their child does the same. A child grows up in a family and perceives everything that happens in it as a model of behavior. There is no point in scolding him for deception if his parents lie to each other or deceive others in front of his eyes.

An ordinary everyday situation: on a day off, my boss calls my dad asking him to go to work, to which my dad says that he is sick and is not able to get out of bed. The child sees that dad is not only healthy, but also pleased with himself: how cleverly he outwitted the boss! It is not surprising that, given the opportunity, your beloved child feigns illness early in the morning so as not to go to school. In this case, you need to scold yourself and the double standards established in the family: “You can’t lie, but sometimes you can.”

Thirst for freedom and independence.

This is about being overly controlling in your offspring's life. Children deceive their parents for this reason already at school age. Parents need to understand in time that the “baby” has already grown into a completely independent person. Now the exciting “Where are you?”, “When will you come home?”, “Who are you there with?” he is annoyed. And instead of a simple answer, he is more likely to lie or say “Nowhere,” “I don’t know,” “With no one,” in order to once again remind him of his independence.

Don’t try to fight with your child, he will still do as he sees fit. Remember yourself as a child: every morning your mother demanded you put on a hat, but what did you do? They went around the corner and took it off. And when you returned home, you put it on again, instilling in your mother a false sense of control over your actions. Look at your child: what if he has grown a little, and you haven’t noticed?

Conflicts in the family.

Children see and hear more than their parents think, but they themselves are often not heard. If there is a difficult period in the family or a constant tense situation, this affects the psychological state of the children. You don't have to be hysterical to show your emotions. More serious methods are being used.

A child can attract the attention of parents by lying, stealing, or damaging things. He can do this even if he is punished all the time. This is an attempt to protest against the situation in the family. Maybe the child sees constant deception as a way to unite his parents in the fight against him. This is a very serious problem, and you need to recognize it in time and try to solve it. Sometimes children, in an attempt to reconcile their parents, even expose themselves to mortal danger.

How can parents understand that their child is lying?

Psychologists know that no matter how hard a person tries to disguise his lies, his body language gives him away. Facial expressions and gestures are difficult to control even for an adult, and even more so for a child. The little sly one is focused on What says (a lie), and does not even notice how his body protests against it.

Knowing the main signs of a lie, you can recognize deception in time:

averting eyes– during a conversation, the child does not look you in the eyes, tries to look away, which indicates his insincerity;
shifting from foot to foot- the little deceiver cannot stand still and constantly sways from one foot to the other, because his body resists what he says;
changeable facial expressions– the child frowns, smiles, is surprised, the expression on his face constantly changes and does not correspond to what he is talking about;
hands to mouth– the liar unconsciously wants to close his mouth and not tell lies;
coughing– the child, without noticing it, tries to muffle and disguise his lie with a cough;
touching the nose– little “Pinocchio” touches his nose, because during deception, special substances (catecholamines) are released, and the nasal mucosa is irritated;
rubbing eyes– the baby rubs his eyes because he doesn’t want to “see” his lie;
nodding or shaking the head– gestures do not coincide with what was said, that is, the child nods where he is trying to deny, or, conversely, shakes his head where he is trying to agree with his words;
scratching the neck– this gesture means the child doubts his own words;
touching the earlobe– the gesture is similar to an attempt to cover the mouth and rub the eyes, and means that the speaker is trying to distance himself from his words;
hands in pockets– the baby tries to hide his palms, and this indicates his insincerity;
repeat questions– the child repeats the parent’s phrases to stall for time, and his brain tries to come up with a suitable lie.

Now you know how to recognize a lie when communicating with a child. Children cannot yet control their actions enough; they are impulsive and usually say what they think, exposing their emotions. That is why a child’s lie is a thoughtful move that definitely has certain motives. It remains to understand what to do next.

What to do if a child is lying?

If you catch a child systematically lying, be prepared for the fact that it will not be possible to solve the problem with one conversation. It is not enough just to find the reason for the deception; you need to understand what to do if the child is lying. You will have to make an effort to regain trust and show your baby that you are on the same side. A psychologist's advice will help establish a trusting relationship with your child and restore friendship between you.

First you need to give up punishment, stop intimidating and humiliating the baby. It is better to pay attention to what the child does well, to his victories, not to his defeats. Instill in him confidence that he is smart, talented, diligent, even if he brings bad grades from school.
Avoid qualitative assessments of the child in person, and not his actions. There is no need to label him “liar” or “deceiver”, because he can begin to fit the image: why change if everyone has come to terms with his position in the family? Tell him how much you love him, not the things he does. It is very important that the child understands and feels that his parents will love him, even if he does something bad.
Be attentive to your child's concerns in matters of self-doubt and attempts to exaggerate one’s situation (for example, financial). There is no need to shout that the father is breaking his back to provide for his family. It is necessary to instill the concept that it is not the number of cars that makes a person beautiful, but human qualities, and that friendship is not measured by the square meters of the apartment. If in a company peers evaluate a friend based on the income level of their parents, then this is not a company worthy of your child. It is not they, but he who decides whether to communicate with them or not.
Talk about the consequences of cheating. Children of all ages should know this. Tell your child about your feelings: lying alienates you from each other, kills trust, hurts your parents’ feelings, and makes you worry. Distortion of facts (lies) can lead to dire consequences and really harm one of the family members. Let your child understand that no one will punish him for cheating, and the choice is always his, but the consequences may not be worth it. Often the loss of parental trust is the most severe punishment. When a child is physically punished, he feels that he has made amends for his guilt, and silent reproach is much more painful than spanking or house arrest.
If the reason for a child’s lies is a desire to show their independence and independence, then it is worth reconsidering the framework in which the child finds himself. Maybe you are restricting his freedom too much, invading his personal space? If everything is in order with this and youthful maximalism speaks in the child, well, you will have to explain to him the consequences of such freedom. Feel free to share your experiences, tell a couple of stories from your life when the struggle for independence turned into disappointment. Let your child know that even if he makes the wrong choice, he needs to be honest with his parents. They are the ones who will help you get out of a difficult or unpleasant situation.
Learn to keep your child's secrets. Show that it is important to you that he trusts you. If a son asks his father not to tell his mother something personal, he must not be let down. One mistake and trust is lost, and it was not so easy to return everything to the way it was. There should also be secrets between mother and daughter, and it’s great if the daughter asks for it. Being best friends with your girl - isn't that what every mother dreams of?

And most importantly: show by example how to act. Be honest and open in your family, talk about your feelings, voice the moments that worry you. Discuss problems out loud and show that children in your family are loved unconditionally, and not because of good behavior, excellent grades, toys put away, or homework done on time. Keep your promises, don't have double standards, and remind your child how much you value his friendship.

For every parent, his child is the brightest and purest creation. But sooner or later, all parents have to face children's lies. It’s always unexpected, incomprehensible and sometimes scary: where does it come from, why, is it really the result of improper upbringing?! Don't panic! First of all, you need to understand the essence of the situation and answer the main questions: is the child really lying, why does he do it and how to wean a child from lying? This article will help you do this. So, let's talk frankly!

Naturally, a child is not born with the ability to lie and does not begin to do so as soon as he learns to talk. Until the age of 3-4, children are not even able to understand that it is possible to say something other than what actually is - the truth. As a rule, at this age they do not need to lie: parents do not make extremely strict demands on the child’s behavior, do not punish too severely, and allow a lot.

But as soon as the child gets older, is able to analyze situations, understand the “cause-and-effect” relationships between his words/actions and the reaction of his parents, he begins to look for ways to avoid punishment that are beneficial for himself.

It all can start with silence; the child himself can try to remove the consequences of his mischievous actions, minimize his guilt, and then completely deny it.

What to do?

How not to miss the moment and understand that the child has started to lie? The younger the child, the easier it is to recognize his lies, since even if he has learned to tell a lie, he is not yet able to control the nonverbal manifestations of lies:

out of unwillingness to lie quickly and impartially, the child begins to repeat the parent’s question or its ending, thereby delaying the moment of answer and coming up with the “necessary” answer;
the child, realizing the wrongness of his action, tries to avoid eye contact with the parent, does not look him in the eye, and spins around;
the child’s subconscious reluctance to tell lies to close people prompts him to involuntarily cover his mouth with his hand, as if “not letting the lie out of his mouth”;
tension also leads to other unconscious and slightly obsessive movements of the child: he often touches his nose, rubs his eyes or chin, it seems to him that his ear and neck are itching, his collar is in the way, he often clears his throat;
strenuously trying to control their emotions, young children show rapid and dramatic changes in their facial expressions - from a smile to sullenness, from embarrassment to embitterment and back to a smile, etc.;
also, a radical change in “mood” can be noticeable in speech: from a loud and emotional conversation to quiet muttering;
The child’s whole body tenses, it seems that he is ready to run away somewhere.

An important point here is also the ability of an adult to distinguish between two, at first glance, similar concepts: “lie” and “lies.” If the latter is rather a desire to embellish, slightly soften guilt or punishment, improve attitude, and sometimes this can be perceived as cunning and cleverness, then a lie is a conscious, well-thought-out distortion of the truth, which should not become a firm part of a child’s life.

But these are not all possible types of children's “dishonesty.” There are many reasons why children lie, and they are not always fully aware of this behavior. Sometimes these are features of the age period or a combination of circumstances.

Causes and types of children's lies

In order to know how to correctly respond to children's dishonesty and effectively correct a child's behavior so that lies do not take root in his life, you need to clearly understand the reasons for the appearance of children's lies.

Period of active development of imagination

This is the age of approximately 3-5 years, when the baby enthusiastically listens to fairy tales, watches cartoons, and plays role-playing games. Often, fictional stories are woven into the real life of a child, and he perceives them as reality. In such cases, one cannot even say that the child is lying, he is fantasizing. During this period, you should not overreact or even stop the child’s attempts to use such fantasies as excuses, for example, to mitigate punishment. It is enough to talk with the child and direct his imagination in a creative direction.

Copying adult behavior

Yes, there are times when parents themselves, without attaching much importance to it, ask their child to hide something from someone, keep something back, or do something against their wishes out of politeness or the need to follow accepted norms. Soon, the child either becomes fixed in this form of behavior, or he begins to understand that in this way he can gain benefit for himself;

Extremely high demands and feelings of inferiority

Often, older children, when they notice how much they do not meet their parents’ “bars” of achievement in school, sports or other activities, they lie. If they do not feel parental support, but hear only reproaches, they begin to add “points” that are so important for parents by lying: they correct grades, talk about non-existent rewards, friends, their importance and significance.

The struggle for personal space and freedom

When parents drive a child into too limited and rigid frameworks without room for error or slight retreat, sooner or later this will cause a protest. He can be open and defiant, but if there is fear and mistrust in the parent-child relationship, then the child may try to get around all the unpleasant consequences of protest by lying.

Self-therapy

Often, with the help of lies, a child tries to solve his problems with his peers, talking about his fictional heroes, or fantasizing about conflict resolution - this is how the child tries to get rid of emotional and psychological discomfort, at least in his imagination.

To attract attention

Often, children's lies are an indicator of problems in the family, discord in parental relationships. Then children try to get the attention of their relatives even with their negative actions. When a child steals and lies, they begin to notice him, they talk to him and are interested in his life, the parents stop quarreling and switch to him. And for the child, the negative context of such attention is not even important, and sometimes even noticeable, the main thing is that they remember it.

A child’s lie may not always be the result of one of the individual reasons. Often they intertwine with each other, becoming entangled in a dense lump, which, the further you go, the more difficult it will be to unravel to the root cause.

And if with the first signs of concern about children’s lies, parents can rely on their own strength to resolve the issue, then the more time is lost, the greater the likelihood that they will have to seek help from specialists.

How to stop a child from lying

Whatever the age of the child, the parents have to face the lies of their child, whatever the reasons for this child’s behavior, the main advice of the psychologist will concern the establishment of relationships between parents and the child. Indeed, in such situations, a child’s dishonest behavior is often the result of not entirely emotionally and psychologically “healthy” relationships and approaches to education.

A child will not intentionally lie to his parents if:

he feels the support of his parents, regardless of the complexity of the situation that befalls him;
he is not afraid of their reaction and the extreme severity of punishment;
he has built a strong, trusting relationship with his parents;
he receives from his parents not only reproach, but also praise (including for honesty);
he does not observe a negative example of the abuse of lies from adults.

In addition, age characteristics and approaches to raising an honest child should be taken into account.

For children under 5 years old it is important:

personal example of parents' honesty;
acquaintance with examples and the importance of honesty through fairy tales, games, cartoons;
knowing that he will be loved even if he does something wrong, and being honest about it.

With children 5-10 years old you should:

respect their opinions and sense of personal dignity, interests and desires;
provide an acceptable level of independence, personal space and responsibility;
avoid unfounded and contradictory decisions in the child’s area of responsibility.

Teenagers need:

the opportunity to have a sincere and friendly conversation with parents on any topic and under any circumstances;
providing them with acceptable freedom with unobtrusive and discreet parental supervision;
clear and logical argumentation of parental decisions;
respect for the child's individuality.

Conclusion

Family is the place where a child should, first of all, feel free and comfortable; where he should be accepted and loved with all his shortcomings and character traits. If at home a child can allow himself to be less than ideal, it means that parents will not have to meet often and struggle for a long time with children’s lies.

Love and understanding can work miracles.

Until the age of 3-4, children do not know how to lie at all; there is simply no need for this. Kids perceive the world with the simplicity and honesty characteristic only of them. It doesn’t even occur to them that they need to hide something from their parents. And only after four years the child begins to analyze the events happening to him and ask himself questions: “Why was I punished today? How could this have been avoided? What do I need to do to once again evoke mom’s tenderness and dad’s encouragement?” He uses little tricks to get around all the parental “no’s.” Think about it: how often, when you come back from a walk, do you “unload” your son’s pockets full of stones and, despite the tearful convictions that they are magical and “very necessary,” throw the cobblestones into the garbage chute simply because you don’t want to clutter up your apartment? Remember how you constantly “pull” an enthusiastic kid out of his game with the words “go draw in the kitchen” because your favorite TV series is starting. Of course, the child must fulfill certain requirements, but they must take into account his interests, and not just your interests. Otherwise, you risk encouraging your child to look for “workarounds” in order to prove to you the importance and legitimacy of their desires, in other words, to lie.

You are the one to blame

Psychologists say that parents often provoke the first lie themselves. Surely you will say: “Not me!” But remember, isn’t it you, having discovered your baby’s soiled dress, which she hid in fear under the sofa, and with a sly expression on your face you ask: “Honey, where is the sundress that your grandmother brought you yesterday?” Thus, you yourself put the child in a situation where he has to lie and dodge! It’s better to say: “Honey, I found your dirty dress. It's okay - we'll clean it, but in future, be careful and tell me about the stain right away. It’s easier to wash it fresh.” Then the trust and gratitude of the crumbs will become the seed from which the honesty and decency of an adult will later grow.

The imaginary achievements of a “genius”

Do you know whose children lie most often? The offspring of parents who dream of raising their children to be geniuses, young Olympians and other superhumans become liars. They expect too much from the child, and he simply cannot live up to these expectations. And then the baby, in order not to upset his mother, begins to invent that he was the best in the group today or that he was very praised at the music school. And at the slightest success, he inflates it to universal proportions in order to gain approval.

Therefore, when planning the next mega-achievement for your child, evaluate whether you have set the bar too high. Or maybe you should just praise your baby more often, then he will have no reason to lie to gain your favor.

Lies of an offended child

The desire to hide your insecurities and resentment is another reason for children's lies. For example, you may hear a story about how your offspring heroically dealt with the neighbor's bully Nikita, who mocks him all the time. Even if you know that everything was completely wrong, do not rush to stop his lies - the little son is simply trying in his fantasy to restore justice, which he lacks in reality. This fiction is a kind of self-therapy for the child. After listening to his version of events, support the child, but do not forget to note that great heroes are loved and respected, among other things, because they always tell the truth.

Lying out of politeness

When you teach your child to say “thank you”, “please” or “goodbye”, you are instilling in him natural politeness skills - this is definitely a good thing. It’s another matter if, when you meet a friend at the door, whom your child for some reason doesn’t like, you insist on “immediately kissing Aunt Katya.” Your baby has every right to his own likes and dislikes. By letting him know that his feelings don’t bother you and he is obliged to love everyone without exception, you are dooming your treasure to hypocrisy, calling it politeness. Having realized that the truth upsets mom, your child may get used to lying with or without reason. Think for yourself: why is sincerity needed if it entails punishment and reproaches?

For selfish sake

“Mommy, there are 4 A’s in the diary in two days. You said that if I bring in a good grade every day, I can go to the cinema on Saturday!” But, joyfully studying the diary of an excellent student, you suddenly discover a barely visible wear on the mark and understand: you are being deceived! Not only did your “good boy” skillfully correct the “3” to “5”, but he also, without blinking an eye, demands encouragement from you! It’s quite understandable that the first desire in such a situation is to remember dad’s belt. Keep calm. Of course, punishment is appropriate here, but this must be done without losing your temper. Screaming and assault will only frighten the child, and in the end he will never understand what he has done wrong. Strictly but calmly explain to little Munchausen that deception in your relationship is unacceptable, as he will never achieve what he wants. Naturally, going to the cinema is out of the question.

And do not confuse selfish lies with deception caused by fear of punishment for a bad grade. Of course, it is necessary to demand academic performance from a child, but this should be done not with a stick, but rather with a carrot! “Darling, we will survive this failure on the test, although I am very upset. Tell me what exactly you can’t do, I’ll help or talk to the teacher so that he can work with you” - this is the correct reaction to the incident. The child will understand that he can count on your support. Therefore, from now on, when he receives a bad grade, instead of erasing it with an eraser, he will try to correct the F in a legal way: by rewriting the test or earning many A's later. After all, mom will not punish, but will help!

Dreamer's Fantasies

If your child tells you an exciting story about his adventures at the North Pole or surprises you with a description of a new friend - a troll living in the yard under a tree, do not rush to catch young Munchausen in a lie! Any fantasy of a child, if it does not pursue selfish goals, is not a lie, but a manifestation of emotions. Moreover, by analyzing your child’s “incredible adventures”, you can find out what he is missing in reality. After all, innocent inventions are a coded request, a transparent hint made so that parents can turn a dream into reality. The ideal response to such a fantasy is understanding and participation, rather than blame and condemnation. When you hear from your child: “Today I swam in the sea,” just say: “I know that you really want to go south, and we will definitely go there.” Needless to say, you will have to keep this promise?

But children's fantasies can also be dangerous. If stunning stories are not accompanied by real achievements, instead of real successes, the kid continues to surprise others with fables about his brilliant victories, and he prefers to sit on the couch and watch cartoons from morning to evening - you have a chance to end up with a slacker with exorbitant ambitions. In this case, try to offer your child the “real deal.” This could be sports or a theater studio.

Expert opinion

Svetlana Konovalenko, child psychologist, Ph.D., speech therapist of the highest category:

Often, parents easily forget promises made to the child in a hurry, and believe that the child does the same. But in vain. Believe me, he remembers well that yesterday his mother swore to go out only for a minute, and she left him with his grandmother for the whole day! Or, for example, after an unpleasant conversation with a neighbor, being very irritated, you convince the baby that you are not angry. Or you say to your husband, who is going to the phone: “If it’s me, I’m already out!” Think about it, you are not setting the best example for your child. As a rule, the baby begins to lie, simply imitating his parents.

Signs that your child is lying to you:

When telling something or answering a question, the baby brings his hands to his lips, as if covering his mouth with them. Psychologists explain this gesture as a subconscious attempt to “not let the lie out of your mouth.”
By telling a lie, the child tries not to look you in the eyes.
Coughs frequently while talking.
He asks again and repeats the question you asked.
Unconsciously touches his nose.
Rubs the eye, chin or temples.
Tugging at his earlobe.
Scratching the neck or pulling at the collar.

Parents, educators, teachers, neighbors, books and cartoons tell children that it is not good to lie, they need to be honest. Why does the child keep silent about something, hide something, do forbidden things on the sly, or, looking straight into your eyes, give out obviously incorrect information?

Children are very impulsive, they live in the here and now, it is very difficult for them to restrain themselves from getting what they want at the moment. This is due to the immaturity of certain areas of the brain. Often they don’t even have time to think about whether they can take or do something now or not; they act spontaneously.

But what do they then hear from their parents? “Why did you take this without permission?”, “What have you done? What a horror!”, “Don’t you dare do that again! If you do, I’ll punish you!”, “Shame on you!”, “You upset me very much.”

As a result, the child is ashamed, blamed, and scared. But all because of the same features of the development of the child’s brain and the lack of certain neural connections, the next time he will do something similar again, no matter how much he wants to act differently in the future. But in order to avoid punishment and not upset his parents, he will most likely prefer to hide it or lie.

Children look up to their elders and really want to be like them - bigger, faster, smarter, more influential, etc. Since this is impossible right now, they have to fantasize and imagine that they are already like this. That's why they like to embellish reality or tell things that didn't really happen.
Of course, if a child sees adults lying, he will also do the same. Some parents themselves teach their child to lie when they ask him to hide something from a younger child or tell a lie to a teacher or educator. His same behavior towards his parents and other people is not something surprising and outrageous, but a completely natural phenomenon.
Another reason for lying is protest, resistance to the influence of adults, their pressure and control. In such a situation, when parents once again check whether the child has brushed his teeth, done his homework, or put away his toys, the children answer lies. In this way they expand their borders and, as it were, say that this is their territory, there is no need to interfere here.
Children can also invent all sorts of tall tales and play pranks in order to attract attention.

As you can see, children do not lie out of bad intentions - this is how they adapt to the conditions in which they find themselves.

What to do if a child is lying?

The most important thing is to establish a trusting relationship with him. To do this, first of all you need refuse punishments, intimidation, accusations and humiliation. Draw your child’s attention more often to what he does well. Let your child know that you will not scold or punish him for his misdeeds and try to really treat them more calmly.

Explain what consequences his actions can lead to (when people deceive, they stop believing them). Tell us about your experience and your feelings, about how unpleasant it is for you when people tell you lies, and how for you honesty is important and why.

At harmless fantasies the child can join in and turn it into a game, which can have a therapeutic effect - by living in imagination what he dreams of, the child forms a positive image of himself, feels confident and satisfied with his life.

If you feel from a child a lot of resistance, then you should pay attention to whether you are strangling him with your excessive control. Give him more opportunities to make his own choices and receive his consequences, let him express himself. And assure him that if he needs help, he can count on you.

remember, that children lie not out of malice, they have some reason for this, and we need to deal with it. And, of course, talk more often about how you love him and will always love him, no matter how he behaves.

And lastly, don’t forget about your personal example! You need to be very careful about your promises: make them only when you are sure that you can keep them, and be sure to keep your word. Tell the truth children and in front of children, make honesty a value, make sure your actions match your words and admit your mistakes.

Comment on the article "What to do if a child is lying: 6 tips"

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