What to do if you don’t want children yet. Why it's normal not to want children

Would you give birth to him? - asks a friend.

What? - I ask in complete amazement, and it sounds like a “faq,” reflecting my confusion.

I was talking about a man whom I saw six times, and on the very first night we slept together, and then we went to another city for three days, and it was nice, he was unusually gallant, and we lived in a luxurious hotel, and he was very handsome looked after me. All.

Yes, I talked about it with delight, but I talk about everything with delight - that’s my style.

“I immediately think about whether I want children from this man or not,” explains a friend. - On the very first morning I realized that I wanted to give birth to X. (she is talking about her husband, with whom she, however, has three children).

Mneeeeeee... - I mumble something unintelligible, because I see: my friend believes that any relationship is tested by whether a woman wants to be fruitful and multiply with some man.

If he doesn’t want to, that’s normal, but only because the man is “wrong.” She is sure that I just haven’t met the “right” one yet. And it’s not that I personally don’t want children at all. This simply cannot happen.

Everyone wants children. Sooner or later. Society accepts very loudly that someone may not want children immediately after the onset of puberty. We are modern people, so we are ready to accept that children can appear at thirty or thirty-five. And even at fifty.

But never wanting children is impossible.

Do you have children? - they ask me.

Do you want?

These questions don't annoy me. There is nothing particularly personal about them. But the interlocutors rarely stop there - they want to understand how it’s possible not to want children, and whether I have some kind of trauma, and whether I’m thinking about having a child in ten years, and in general, how to live if you don’t dream about children.

It’s not that it drives you crazy, it just gets tired of saying the same thing every time. It’s like the Facebook question “who is X?” “Well, Google it,” you write, because after all, all the information is in the public domain, if you’re interested, don’t be too lazy to type it into a search engine. Thousands of words have been written about why people don't want children.

But I am a happy person: I have no relatives. Moreover, I have never had those close to me who could afford to put pressure on me, express concern about how my personal life works.

But millions of women, their mothers, grandmothers, aunts, uncles and girlfriends who were lucky enough to give birth at seventeen, are tormented by reproaches: “Where are the children, where?! When?! It will be late! It's already late! Give birth to a second one!”

For some reason, many people believe that they have every right to dispose of our reproductive function as if it were public or at least family property. And as if not wanting to have children is something like homosexuality.

Any woman who does not want to give birth (now or never), even in her own family, will feel “gay”. Maybe if she confesses, they won’t reject her, but they will still worry about her difficult fate. But it’s better not to admit this openly, because no one knows how hard the bomb will hit and where exactly the shell will land.

A friend did interviews with women with many children and without children, and one friend who does not want children said: “Well, no, out loud, for publication, I will not repeat this. My relatives will eat me." She is afraid to say directly that she is not interested in children, otherwise she will have to enter a world of reproaches, hysterics and pressure that compares to a military conflict in the Middle East - a fight in a sandbox.

The problem is that it is almost impossible to explain to someone that you never wanted, don’t want now and are unlikely to ever want a child. And that you don’t care what kind of fears prevent you from wanting him. And that you don’t care about all the children in the world - you feel neither tenderness, nor tenderness, nor the desire to cuddle these wonderful creatures. And that you're terribly bored two minutes after someone's six-year-old starts telling you how he gutted an anthill. And you are not afraid to be alone in old age. And you see how different these children turn out - from some there is only one disorder, if not drama.

You easily accept your friends who have five or seven children. Don’t you think that a woman with such a brood is certainly a slob who just rushes around, barefoot and bare-haired, between the kitchen and the nursery.

You are not creating any confrontation between the “family” and the “childless”. You perfectly accept the world in all its diversity and understand that some people like to get pregnant, give birth, play with the baby, watch how it develops and matures. You don’t bother with questions: “What, how, and do you have time to cut your nails?”

But they will still ask you: “But maybe this is why you still want a child? You love him so much.”

It is very difficult for these people to understand that you still love yourself more. Your way of life, your rhythm, your rules. And that no matter how much you love someone, this does not mean that now you define yourself as “we” for the rest of your life and feel like a multitude that dreams of an even greater multitude: the more of you there are now, the better.

Many happily call this selfishness - this explains a lot to them. Selfishness is certainly bad; it speaks of immaturity, selfishness, spoiledness, and irresponsibility. Hurray, we solved the problem: they don’t want children, because they themselves are like little children, they will grow up, but it will be too late.

Many, by the way, give birth for this reason - out of fear that it will be too late.

“If it weren’t for my mother, I wouldn’t have given birth at all,” says one friend. She loves her daughter, but she didn’t really want to give birth, just as she doesn’t want to do it again, and her mother has been insisting for many years now that there should be two children (like she herself).

The logic is that you give birth, and then you’ll figure it out. The main thing is that it is. Because often without children, life turns into complete nonsense: you go from home to work, from work to home, and the same husband sticks around, whom you cannot divorce, because “who needs you,” and you are without a child ten years later, there’s not even anything to swear about anymore, and there’s nothing worse than this gloomy silence, which seems damp and cold from mutual indifference.

And if there is a child, it will unite you. You are no longer just people who are painfully bored with each other - you are parents.

They make children into the devil for reasons like these - and then they teach us how to live.

At the same time, you still do not condemn them (at least out loud), and they openly “treat” you with their instructions and consider you not quite normal (or completely abnormal) only because you do not want to reproduce.

The strange thing is that many, just like drug addicts, try to drag you into their sect: “Oh, children are the best thing that happened in my life,” and then they gloat: “Did you think this would be a continuous holiday?! Children are not easy, now you don’t live for yourself, a-ha-ha!”

One friend’s mother begged her to give birth and even promised to be a grandmother, grandfather, mother, father and nanny throughout her pregnancy, and as soon as she gave birth, she said: “Your child is yours to figure out. I suffered with you - now you, too, go ahead and suffer.”

And this is not a special case - it happens at every step. For some reason, they need all women to live according to the same pattern.

But it’s not at all difficult or embarrassing for me to admit: I don’t want children. That's not mine.

I want to fall asleep at dawn, wake up slowly with coffee and a cigarette, I don’t want to answer the questions “why is the sky blue” and worry that I didn’t enroll my child in kindergarten before birth.

I don’t have anything even remotely similar to a maternal instinct, and I myself am the only person I want to raise and take care of.

Boys play with cars, girls play as daughters and mothers, and when they grow up, they acquire what they dreamed of as children. The French say that the first child is the last doll. But what if dolls have never interested you?

You, like boys, played with cars. Or, instead of baby dolls, you had beautiful Barbies who clean feathers in lounge chairs and have fun at parties, and do not feed a screaming child or change his diapers. The importance of role-playing games cannot be underestimated. With their help, we master the world, fitting ourselves into it. If the desire to try on the role of a mother did not arise at the age of five, is it any wonder that it does not come even at thirty?

It's natural to want a child. This is how nature intended. But it’s also normal not to want a child. After all, we are not only natural beings, but also social ones. We have so much on top of the basic instincts - self-preservation or procreation - that sometimes they are unable to reach our consciousness. You build a life, and the result completely satisfies you. There is no feeling that anyone or anything is missing from her. And since everything is there, why change anything? You never know where these changes will take you. What if it gets worse? And is it possible to want something that you have never tried? Sea urchin caviar, for example. You haven’t eaten it before, so you don’t feel longing for it. You haven’t tried on the role of a mother either - you haven’t played with dolls, haven’t babysat your younger brothers and sisters, haven’t babysat your nephews, so you can’t know for sure whether it’s for you or not. By the way, the Chinese, who, in order to reduce the birth rate, obliged their citizens to have only one child, after 20-30 years were faced with the fact that these only children, who grew up without brothers and sisters, do not want their own children at all. Because they had no experience of caring for a baby in the parental family.

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Contraceptive installation

Appetite, as you know, comes with eating. And the need for motherhood too. Previously, nature did not need to secure our desire to have a child. Because if we choose the right moment, we can last up to a hundred years. And it’s not profitable for her! That's why our instincts make us want sex rather than children. After all, before, if pregnancy occurred, there was no longer any special choice - to give birth or not to give birth.

With the advent of contraceptives, systemic failures occurred in this scheme. The initiative passed to us. We are free to choose the ideal time, to wait until the desire to have a child comes. But the trouble is that the desire does not come to everyone and the moment is not always right. In addition, if you protect yourself from pregnancy throughout your entire adult life, its denial is rooted in the subconscious deeper than one might imagine. A persistent contraceptive attitude arises, erasing the desire to become a mother. You listen to yourself, but you don’t feel any need for a child and decide that you are not yet mature for this. And time is running out.

“I think that if a woman doesn’t want a child by 30, then most likely she won’t want one,” says Anyuta. — The further you go, the less you will want, because with age your character loses its elasticity. You become less patient, you get used to freedom. If you don’t want to, maybe you don’t need to. Not everyone can be a mother! But if the question of why there is no such desire haunts you, it means that there is still a need for a baby. Even if it’s at the level of feeling that it might be easier without children, but it’s not entirely right. It's good that this came to me in time. I gave birth to a child without the call of instinct, at my own peril and risk. Partly for show, to “shoot off”, and partly out of curiosity, to see what would come of my husband’s genetic mixture. I wasn’t torn apart by maternal hunger, but I don’t regret at all that I didn’t wait until I wanted to become a mother. The instinct never woke up. A sense of duty and conscious love has awakened, which arises after you get to know a person and invest strength in him. You can desperately want children, but be a bad mother. Or it can be the other way around.”

MEMORY OF A GIRL
The desire to have children comes to any of us after puberty. But it is so instinctive that it is quickly forgotten if it is not implemented. And by 25, you already believe that “you never wanted a child.”

Nature's Trap

One of my friends unexpectedly experienced an urgent need to become a mother after an internship in an orphanage. I fell, as psychologists say, into a prolactin trap. Prolactin is a pituitary hormone that awakens the parental instinct. This is a time bomb laid by nature under the foundation of indifference to children's topics. As long as you keep a safe distance from stores for young mothers, parks where they walk with strollers, sandboxes and playgrounds, prolactin does not remind you of itself. Because there is no reason! But as soon as you press a warm, sleepy, pink baby (yours or someone else’s) that smells of milk and baby powder to your chest, the maternal hormone begins to be intensively produced in the body, stunned by surprise. Sometimes in such quantities that nulliparous girls even begin to produce milk! For some, it is enough just to wander into a department where they sell rompers and baby vests for this biological timer to work.

But the most powerful release of prolactin occurs during pregnancy and especially childbirth. That is why surrogate mothers, who agreed to be incubators for someone else’s baby, suddenly become imbued with irrational love for him. And for no amount of millions do they agree to give up a child they initially did not want to biological parents. And for those, too, the parental hormone is raging with might and main while they watch the surrogate mother and inflame themselves with preparations for the birth of the baby. Do you want to want a baby? Get closer to the pregnant woman!

“My friends, as if by agreement, walk around pregnant,” says 27-year-old Albina. - There are five of them! Maybe this is a herd feeling, but even I, who had not planned anything like this, suddenly wanted to join their company. I looked at their rounded bellies, walked with each of them around the “Children’s World” and realized that I wanted the same thing. And before there was no such desire. Honestly!"

Coincidence

People sometimes don't want to have children because for some reason they can't. They instill this reluctance in themselves because not wanting is still better than not being able to. The most obvious is physical disability. The friend tells everyone that she doesn’t want to “get involved with this.” And then it suddenly turns out that she has been undergoing treatment for infertility for several years. There is no result, so she convinces herself and others that it shouldn’t have hurt. It’s easier without a child: you won’t have to go on maternity leave, drop out of life, your figure won’t float. So that's great!

Someone understands that they cannot support a child financially. They just want children... But they consider themselves unworthy (“with such and such a salary!”) to become parents. And they postpone the birth of a child until later. And when they achieve career success and financial well-being, they simply burn out, losing the desire for motherhood. Thirty-year-old anhedonia—the loss of interest in everything that really makes life worth living—is a common phenomenon, especially in big cities. You just need to shake yourself up. To have a break. Remember why all these obstacle races up the career ladder were started. Think about the design of the nursery, choose wallpaper for it, look for a crib. Any step in this direction is a way to awaken your suppressed instincts.

Some anxious and suspicious people begin to panic at the mere thought of children. The child will be completely dependent on me. What if I do something wrong and he gets sick? If I drop it, will he break something?

Or maybe you don’t want a child because you have the wrong man next to you. You don’t admit it to yourself, but you feel in your spinal cord that the appearance of a third will not strengthen your union, but, on the contrary, will only complicate everything. “As I understand now, at one time I didn’t want children because I didn’t trust my husband and was ashamed in advance of the hypothetical fate of a single mother,” recalls Stasya. — By and large, I turned out to be right. Although after a conversation with a psychologist (“since he brought you here, it means it’s important for him”) I made up my mind. And the husband ran away as soon as the baby started teething: the children's screams prevented him from sleeping. And when I met my man, the desire to give birth arose almost immediately. I took this feeling as a guarantee that everything would be fine with us. And I was not mistaken!”

NO-HORMONES
Prolactin has opposite hormones - adrenaline, cortisol and testosterone. They keep you constantly ready to fight, give you strength and courage... But they reduce your femininity. The adrenal glands of zealous career women constantly release these “no-hormones” into the blood. Therefore, if you are worried about the lack of a basic instinct, stop. As sad as it may be, you will have to take a break from your career race. At least for a little while.

I don't want to be like my mother!

If you didn’t have a good relationship with your mother, then not wanting to have a child is a continuation of the child’s rebellion: “I don’t want to be like her!” Psychologists call this a violation of parental self-identification. It can also concern relationships with your father: he left the family, abandoned you, little one, it was painful, and you don’t want your baby to experience the same pain. But in fact, more than anything else, you need to go through this path with your child again, rewriting your own childhood along the way, correcting in it what hurt you so much and still haunts you.

“I’m soon 27, married for 7 years, no children, because in all this time we have never tried to have them,” Natasha reports. - We protect ourselves like spies. We both can't stand these little, screaming, always demanding creatures. I want to live for my own pleasure, not everyone has children, there are so many interesting things in life... Take my mother. She was a promising pianist, but she gave birth to me, putting an end to her musical career. And what? Dad left when I was not yet a year old. Mom started all over again with another man. But already without children. Even without me. I grew up with my grandparents, I saw my mother only on Saturdays. Once a month. So why did she give birth to me? As a child, I was terribly worried that she was not around, I felt that I was preventing her from enjoying life, that I was not worthy of her love. And I'm not going to repeat her mistakes. And to friends who stutter about children, I always answer: “You need to give birth, and leave us alone!” We don’t love children and we’re not going to hurt them with our dislike!”

There is always some kind of story behind the façade of the child-free slogan. People do not want to transmit their childhood pain to generations. You can’t do this without a psychologist! As, however, in most cases, when the parental instinct refuses to remind itself.

Wanting children is the norm of life, nature’s idea. But gradually you get used to your reluctance - and it’s already somehow awkward to refuse it, to awaken parental feelings in yourself: you’ll have to explain to everyone around you why you didn’t want to, but gave birth. So don't paint yourself into a corner! From love to hate, as you know, there is only one step. And from the reluctance to have a child to the desire to give birth to one at any cost - too. You will see!

SLAVIC CROSS
During the era of perestroika, no one wanted to have children - it was simply scary: criminal lawlessness, total shortages (diapers and milk disappeared from stores, and the most necessary medicines from maternity hospitals), the sexual revolution and mass unemployment. In such conditions, the instinct of self-preservation prevailed over the instinct of procreation. Workaholism was considered the main virtue, and it completely crowded out all thoughts about children and maternity leave from the brain. As a result, in 1991 we received a “Slavic cross”: the birth rate curve intersected with the death rate curve and continued to fall. Today's 20-year-olds are precisely those who, despite everything, managed to be born at the intersection of the “cross.” It is clear that for many of them the maternal instinct is not such an unconditional phenomenon.

Irina Kovaleva
TAMARA SCHLESINGER

WE ALL HAVE A MASS OF QUESTIONS FOR OURSELVES AND THE WORLD, with whom it seems there is no time or it is not worth going to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when talking to yourself, or with friends, or with parents. Therefore, we asked professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova to answer pressing questions once a week. By the way, if you have them, send them to .

Why do some of us
don't want to have children
and should we do something about it?

Perhaps you are “soon to be thirty”, but you still have no desire to have a child. Perhaps many of your friends, rocking a sleepy baby in their arms, reproach you for selfishness and narcissism. Most likely, your parents blew your mind with pleas, alternating with threats and attempts to pity you, just to convince you to give birth to a grandson. And yet, every time a dialogue about potential motherhood arises again and you strive to prove to everyone that you don’t need it, somewhere in the depths of your soul you are tormented by doubts about your own adequacy, fears that what if someday you want to, but it will be too late, and other thoughts about how true your reluctance is, what if this is some kind of fear ingrained in the subconscious that is preventing the maternal instinct from emerging?

Olga Miloradova
psychotherapist

Despite the fact that we seem to be talking specifically about the denial of maternal function, I would like to turn to the theorists of child psychoanalysis. From Melanie Klein onwards, if we try to roughly collect together the diversity of opinions, almost everyone, regardless of school and direction, unanimously declares the existence of a certain vicious circle in which the ability to adequately interact with the child and meet his needs depends on the mother’s own infant experience how well these needs were met in her childhood.

At the same time, there is no “child apart from the mother”, there is also no “mother apart from the relationship with the father” - all these interactions of the baby with the parents or parent largely determine what kind of parent the child himself will subsequently become or whether he even wants to be one. According to studies of child-parent relationships and their subsequent impact on parental experience, children of sensitive and responsive mothers subsequently have the best adaptive abilities, a stable psyche and, if we talk about girls, subsequently become the same intuitively prosperous mothers.

Contradictory, inconsistent mothers subsequently grow up children with the same ambivalent, contradictory type of attachment; the worse option is the mother’s rejecting attitude, which forms the same avoidant attachment in children. And the very last option is deprivation, that is, the complete absence of contact between the child and the mother for one reason or another. However, regarding the last point, according to Winnicott, although dad is a little worse than mom, a good enough father (or another devoted family member) could make up for this loss.

This may all sound a little confusing, but the point I'm trying to make is quite simple: if you fear that there is some pathology in your reluctance to be a mother, then first look at your mother and your relationship with her. In fact, this is not such a simple task, because we are talking mainly about your very early relationship, and even if everything is fine between you now, you have to play Sherlock Holmes and put together a picture from scraps and phrases.

Maybe she once mentioned her reluctance to have children, her difficulties in understanding what to do with a baby, her denial of motherhood, or that one of you got sick and had to separate for a while - perhaps you -you already know or have once heard about this, or perhaps you will be able to glean information from your grandmother, father or other relatives. If there really are problems in your relationship or you have managed to figure out a problem with your mother’s acceptance of your existence in infancy (this still should be a fairly serious problem), then perhaps you should consult a specialist and try to figure out what is going on in your mind with the adoption of a potential child.

If you fear that there is some pathology in your reluctance to be a mother, then first of all look at your mother

Another possible and fairly obvious option is when, looking at your parents, you understand that their whole life is a gloomy example for you, and you want anything, but not this. For example, you grew up in a tiny apartment with a bunch of children and irritated parents, or in a family with a single mother who put her life on the altar of your existence, perhaps something else that you would never want to repeat. In this case, there is a possibility that you are trying to live your life according to the so-called anti-scenario. It implies that everything is either black or white: either you have children, but live a lousy life, or you don’t, and everything becomes fine, but at the same time, due to the prevailing stereotype, you cannot consider alternative options.

But let’s say that you didn’t find anything like that, your relationship with your parents is excellent, your brothers and sisters have successfully bred, you like your family quite well, but the problem remains the same. In this case, you have no choice but to breathe easy and simply accept the fact that you do not want to have children. This also happens, and this is also normal. I'm not talking about those cases where girls are afraid of figure deformation, haven't found the right guy, or are simply not ready yet. If you want ice cream, you understand that you want it, even knowing about the calories and the danger of catching a cold - despite all the excuses, most likely you will eat this ice cream or at least be aware that you want it.

Well, in fact, the main sign that you want a child should be, no matter how trivial it may sound, simply the desire to have one, because all the stories about “a glass of water in old age”, “the fight against loneliness”, “I don’t did this, but my child will do it” or “a child in order to self-actualize” - this is a struggle with existential problems, neurotic attempts to somehow succeed and narcissistic expansion, which will ultimately lead to the same vicious circle of problematic relationships described earlier .

And returning to the people who want to force the birth of children on you as a duty and obligation, you can only sympathize with them, because those who are truly satisfied with their parental function are unlikely to force anything on anyone.

“Get married and have children” - we all absorbed this attitude with our mother’s milk. Society is ready to admit that we are all different. You can choose whether to be a businesswoman or a housewife, a vegetarian or a meat-eater, cross-stitch or skydive in your spare time. But this point - “get married and have a child” - must be fulfilled by every woman. Each. Dot.

And this is actually very firmly driven into our women’s heads. From childhood, girls are given dolls, strollers, dishes, cribs - as if preparing them for the role of mother. Teenage girls are closely monitored by mothers and grandmothers so that they do not wear thin tights in winter and do not sit in the cold - “you still have to give birth!” The most popular toast at weddings is “Advice and love!” And healthy children!” - regardless of whether a particular couple needs children or not.

A simple example. Me and my older sister. Despite some deviations from the course, my life path can more or less be called “everything like people’s.” She graduated from university, worked, got married, gave birth to two children - a boy and a girl, yeah. Family, car, mortgage (I just want to complete this series with a carpet with swans and a wall with crystal, but what is not there is not). Everything is like people.

My older sister doesn't have children. This is her choice and her story. And when my new friends and acquaintances find out about this, the question invariably follows: why? Why isn't she giving birth?

It would seem strange to ask the question “What did she give birth to?” almost never occurs. Not when the mother is under 18 or older than 40, not when the square meters are catastrophically inconsistent with the number of children, not when the husband has left. She gave birth - right! You're a woman! And if you don’t want to give birth, that’s somehow very suspicious.

It turns out that having children is not only a right, but also a direct responsibility of a woman, but she has to make excuses for her childlessness?

Even I, seemingly an adult woman, tolerant and very open-minded, turned out to be very susceptible to this ancient stereotype - give birth! I recently came across a post from a girl in my feed that I read with pleasure. Smart, interesting, writer - with an interesting job, a high position, with a fulfilling personal life. And so the person thinks - everything he wanted has been achieved. What goal should you set next? I simply bit my fingers so as not to write: what about the child???

Give women the right not to want a child!

There has long been a confrontation between child-free and “ovules” on the Internet. Each side acts under its own banners - the sweet smell of baby tops and freedom, complete freedom and responsibility only for one’s own life. Both of them often try to prove how right they are and how wrong others are. But I can’t call all the childless women I know child-free. They love the children of their friends and relatives, spend time with them, do not get annoyed by noisy children in public places, do not insult mothers with children, and do not conduct any propaganda. They just don’t want to give birth themselves. They have a right. Do they?

Society puts enormous pressure on those who do not want to have a child. Let's listen to real stories (all respondents were about 30-year-old women, with an organized personal life):

“I never understood girls who desperately want a child. I guess I don't have any maternal instinct at all. I definitely don’t want a child “for myself,” because no person in the world can be for me. After-II have poor contact with the children of friends and relatives. I don’t understand what they need, and it seems I’ll never learn. Society - yes, it imposes stereotypes, of course. My friend has two children from different fathers, who successfully abandoned them. A friend heroically raises them alone without any help and periodically reminds me of the ticking clock and that it’s time, it’s time... In general, acquaintances, semi-acquaintances and complete strangers consider it their duty to speak out about childbirth and advise me to give birth urgently. I have to laugh it off. When I have a family, a beloved man, I may want to have a child. But now - “for myself”, under pressure from society-absolutely not. This is a huge responsibility."

“I haven’t decided yet whether I want a child or not. More likely even no than yes. It seems interesting - what it’s like to be a mother! ButWhen I imagine how much I will have to sacrifice for the sake of this interest, I am not at all sure that I want this. By the age of 30, I have built the life that I like. I have a great job and an interesting hobby. I have girlfriends and a beloved man. With the birth of a child, this life will end. Instead of what I like, I will have to deal with the child. And yes - I don't like children. Babies in strollers have never been a source of affection. I only like children at that age when I can talk to them as equals. I have a man whom I love, who is dear to me. He wants a child. And that's why we will have it. But I can’t say that I want this myself either. Society's pressure is terrible! Relatives and acquaintances are constantly asking for brains. If it weren't for this pressure, perhaps I would never have decided to give birth at all. But this massive social blow still gives rise to thoughts: “maybe it’s really time?”

Photo - photobank Lori

And even if you are lucky - your relatives do not ask unnecessary questions, your friends are quite tactful or also childless. No one pesters you, doesn’t introduce you to “a very nice young man who, BY THE WAY, loves children very much!”, doesn’t give gifts with hints, doesn’t slip in articles and books on the topic. This pressure is still felt. I have come across the creepy word “subwoman” many times in various women’s communities. - about those who chose NOT to give birth in their lives. Subwoman, subhuman, what does she live for, what will she leave behind...

2000s idol Carrie Bradshaw faces this dilemma when her vasectomy lover asks her point blank: Do you want a baby? You and I cannot have it. And after many years of self-deception: “now is not the best time, maybe someday later,” Kerry had to answer this question directly: no, I don’t want to! And how it scared her! No, it’s not that she won’t have children, but that she doesn’t want it!

My dearly beloved Elizabeth Gilbert discusses this in her book. Her fiancé also had a vasectomy, which made her think about children. Does she want a child? Does she need him? Liz launches into long discussions, the essence of which is very simple - not all women are born to become mothers. Not everyone wants this. And, as a rule, such women make wonderful godparents, the best aunts in the world. Every child should have their own "Aunt Liz" - girlfriend, advisor, close loving person. How Aunt Liz loved her sister's child! She prayed for him, gave gifts, listened and gave advice, wished him good night in her thoughts, being many thousands of kilometers away from him. I would really like my children to have such a magical fairy godmother, their own “Aunt Liz.” Very very.

Previously, a childless woman was equated with being sick or handicapped. Every lady strived for marriage and the birth of offspring.

This can be associated with the predominance of instincts over personality. Childbearing is a function that nature has endowed a woman with.

In the West wives have long moved away from the stereotypes of the image of a mother. Women consciously decide not to give birth, but to live for themselves. This is how many families are built, men supporting their wives.

If with age you come to the realization that you absolutely do not want to have children, you should think about it, find the right words, and explain the decision normally to your loved ones.

What to do if you are pregnant but don't want to have children

Unwanted pregnancies are not uncommon. This is how a good half of all people were born. First, you need to calm down.

Upon learning of pregnancy, a woman panics, even if she has a strong desire to become a mother. If there is no desire, the panic intensifies.

Facts to remember when you see two lines on the test:

• Every person is born a woman, including you.
• Pregnancy is a period that passes without a trace.
• The female body is designed to give birth to a child - every woman is born for this.
• Childbirth is just a procedure, today it is carried out painlessly.

It is important to understand that there is no reason to panic. What happened is a physiological process. Many infertile women would give their lives to be in the place of a pregnant woman.

When a woman consciously decides not to have children, it is her choice, her right. If pregnancy has already occurred, this question is not raised.

Many see two ways out of the situation: give birth or sign up for an abortion.

This is a mistake: the choice is made like this: will a woman become a murderer of her own baby, who already loves her and needs her more than anything in the world, or not.

Excuses, such as the fact that in the first weeks children do not understand or feel anything, were made up by abortion supporters. Life has already been created.

The living child inside the mother is already developing. He's defenseless. His love is instinctive, boundless and absolute.

Important! No one will love a woman as much as her child: a boy or a girl. There are no things or circumstances more important than the gift of life.

Today there are centers that help mothers with a lack of money and difficulties. They will provide housing, work, and help with the baby.

Important! A woman should not have a choice in her mind: to give birth or not to give birth. The baby can be given up for adoption to a couple who will give him love and care.

Terminating the life of your baby, citing a number of banal reasons, means no different from people who set homeless people on fire and kill animals for fun. Your soul will never be the same.

If pregnancy has taken place, get ready for childbirth. There will be 9 months to decide: keep the baby or give it up for adoption.

Babies are taken away instantly, even disabled ones. Infertility is a common problem.

There are several reasons for the lack of desire to have children.

Let's look at the most common ones:

My husband wants a child - should I get a divorce?

The situation is familiar to many couples. The absence of children at the request of a partner is not uncommon. There is no definite answer; couples decide on their own.

Rather, you should be inclined to divorce, for a number of reasons:

• Desire to have children- a basic instinct, this will not pass, unlike the chemistry in the husband’s blood, which he considers love.
• Feelings are cooling down. When several years have passed, the husband will feel completely unhappy and will regret that he wasted his time and did not become a father.
• The union is fraught with betrayal due to disagreements: male instinct will take over.
• Men are born in order to fertilize many females and prolong the race. It is foolish to believe that a man will be comfortable restraining himself by living with someone who does not want children and does not allow him to have them.

Exit There will be an open marriage if this suits.

How to explain to others why I don’t have children

The environment is people with established values ​​and ideals. When views on certain things are strikingly different, there is no need to wait for approval.

If the reason reluctance to become a mother is not due to illness or pathology, this will be perceived as selfishness.

If all women begin to refuse motherhood, life on earth will cease to exist. You have been given life - you breathe, you laugh, you choose a path. You are obliged to respond in kind.

The physiological side of refusing pregnancy and childbirth is that a woman will lose her beauty early and grow old.

Nature gives beauty in order to allow you to start a family and give birth. In addition to early old age, unused energy inside will begin to destroy the body. Diseases will appear.

There is no need to talk about the moral side: lonely old age and death in the house of an elderly person.

Not giving birth to a loved one- refuse it, do not give the world a small copy of it. Not giving birth at all means dying forever, leaving no trace.

When coming up with explanations for your family, think about whether you really want to go against your nature? Explaining the decision to others is not a tricky matter, they will accept it.

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