How to get rid of attachment to a guy. Solving problems with attachment and love addiction

Emotional dependence can persist for many years, although the person may not even be aware of it.

“Kill” the romance in yourself

Romance and real life are incompatible. The lifestyle full of romance is exploited by all and sundry. These are those who are not lazy and clearly understand what they are doing and why. But those who fall under the spell of this image end up with emotional dependence.

The more romantic a person is, the less adequate he is, since he is tuned to a certain energy exchange with the world. Moreover, he may not have a partner, but he already has the mood for a “long, joint, romantic life.”

This mood is what the person to whom the romantic becomes emotionally dependent comes to. But the romantic calls it “love” and behaves accordingly. Until he faces the fact of a deafening and painful breakup.

Only after coming to his senses many months later, the romantic realizes that Pushkin was right when he said, “the less we love a woman, the easier it is for her to like us.” Everyone who is familiar with such relationships intuitively guesses this, but few people manage to stop “loving” by force of will.

Therefore, this article is for those who would like to “fall out of love,” but cannot. Especially for those who are faced with the fact of breaking up their relationship. And also for those who can’t forget their ex-love/partner/spouse.

The mechanism of the emergence of “love” and the emotional channel.

Where does love begin?

Love begins with an uncontrollable outburst of sympathy, seemingly out of the blue. So it is true, but not quite. Such outbursts of sympathy are initially MUTUAL, and cannot occur without a mood for a certain energy exchange of each of the two.

This mood is read so quickly by the subconscious that the conscious mind does not have time to react and give a digestible form to this outbreak. If the mood is “wrong”, such an outburst will not continue. 99.9% of them have no continuation and are quickly forgotten.

But, if one “sees” the potential of the other, “reads” the mood as “that one,” the flash of sympathy passes into the material-verbal-tangible phase. In life, this looks like an attempt to talk to the person you like, invite you for a cup of coffee, for a walk, or to the cinema. Even a smile is an invitation to go further, to transform what is still a virtual acquaintance into a closer relationship. Already at this level, a CHANNEL of energy exchange arises, through which energy flows from one to another. The channel is opened by the one who is more interested in continuing the acquaintance.

If the other reciprocates, the energy exchange takes on a new form, still unclear to either one or the other. At this stage, the energy exchange is unstable, and can stop at any moment when one decides that “I didn’t like him/her.” The consequences of the appearance and disappearance of the channel are usually not noticed. Well, really, no one has ever met when the first meeting turned out to be the last.

But if the energy exchange suits both, a flash of sympathy develops into a closer acquaintance, into close relationships, and in some cases into love and family.

Each phase is characterized by its own state of energy exchange between partners, and is determined only by the quality and quantity of energy that partners put into the channel.

If each of the partners invests real actions, a piece of soul, strength, feelings and emotions into the relationship equally, then such couples live happily ever after.

But if one of the partners begins to pull the “blanket over himself”, giving energy into the channel of the wrong quality and quantity, then such a relationship becomes dependent. This happens because the other partner is more romantic than the first. A romantic lives in illusions, dreams and builds in his mind a virtual happy life with a partner, wishful thinking.

Simultaneously the one who more adequately perceives reality, who is less interested in the relationship, becomes the leading partner in the couple. The leading partner gives less energy to the channel, and the other, the follower, in order to restore balance, needs to give energy “for two.”

As soon as one feels the imbalance of energy exchange not in his favor, his Ego begins to rebel, realizing that by the will of the “owner” he has fallen into an energy trap. And the “owner” is busy pumping up the channel with his energy, in the hope of restoring the elusive interest of the leading partner.

It turns out that a person himself, voluntarily, having the hope of returning “love”, does not find a better use for his energy than pushing it into the channel formed when sympathy arises. And on the other side of the channel there is almost always complete satisfaction with life.

Emotional dependence.

So, the less interested a partner is in a relationship, the more dependent the other partner is in that relationship. With addiction, personal autonomy is lost, and in order to restore it, a person’s consciousness pushes him to take some action that rehabilitates the Ego.

Consciousness tries to begin to despise the partner so much that in the future it would be ashamed to admire him in front of himself. But to do this, you need to suppress that part of the Ego that sympathizes with your partner. And this is very painful. After all, in essence, you need to kill a part of yourself.

On the external level, this is expressed as a swing from one extreme to another: from love to hatred, from forgiveness to revenge, from admiration to contempt. A person “swings” himself; such a “swing” leads to the fact that the driven partner pumps the channel more and more with energy, investing part of his Personality in the leading partner, endowing it with his energy. These are energetic “investments” that are invested in the hope of receiving emotional and energetic “dividends”. A person simply does not understand that he will never receive “dividends”, since he is already at a lower energy level than his partner.

I'll make a digression here:

Any relationship is built on the principle of emotional and energetic “investment-dividend”, and romance is an attempt to give these “commodity-money” relations a decent appearance. To whitewash yourself, first of all, to yourself. Like, I’m not an egoist, I’m everything to him/her, I’m all sublimely spiritual and all that crap.

So if you hear about a romantically inclined boy or girl, and even about a man and a woman, then this speaks of one thing. People hide behind romance in the hope that no one will see their “mercantile” impulses. And everyone knows and intuitively understands that impulses are “mercantile.”

Simply because it is consistent with the principle of energy exchange. Which says that in order to survive and procreate, a person cares, first of all, about himself, and then about others. This is an evolutionary program with which it is stupid to argue. Well, if anyone wants to argue, I suggest you think about where you would be if your distant ancestor chose someone else’s life instead of his own.

Romance, as it is presented, implies a person’s renunciation of his personality, his Ego for the sake of another person. Veiled suicide.

But if you give up romance and live according to the laws of energy, then the motives of people’s behavior become visible “at a glance,” and this applies not only to relationships between a man and a woman, but also to any interpersonal ones.

I suggest a skating rink on romance for those who are dependent in relationships. For those who have been presented with a fait accompli, who have had a “fatal” breakup in their relationship, but remain emotionally dependent on their partner.

But, back to the emotional swing

Emotional dependence on a partner always remains with the driven partner, since the channel between partners continues to work as long as one of them continues to pour energy into it. It doesn’t matter whether the relationship is in place or has already been destroyed. While one wants to return the “investment” and receive energy-emotional “dividends,” part of his personality is captured by the leading partner, although he doesn’t need it. The dependent partner continues to burn himself out emotionally and often cannot stop it on his own.

But there are still techniques for overcoming addiction!

Techniques for getting rid of emotional dependence.

The first thing to do in a dependent relationship, or after a “fatal” breakup, is block the energy channel between partners .

In philosophy, identity is the complete coincidence of the properties of objects.

In psychology, to identify oneself with a person is to consider oneself with him as one whole, an inseparable union of two, which will be inseparable under any conditions and circumstances.

The leading partner identifies little with the other person, and that is why he is the leading partner. He knows that there are many interesting things in the world besides his partner and does not focus only on the relationship with his partner.

The driven partner, on the contrary, identifies himself with another person, makes plans for life and for a bright future. He doesn't see anyone or anything around him.

Stage 1. Closing the channel.

So, the first action to get out of a dependent relationship and after a difficult break should be to disidentify with your partner and block the channel.

Actions are the main thing here. It is necessary to redirect the energy drained into the channel into some action. It helps to go “to sports” and strain your body to the point of stupor. Or direct attention to those areas of life that have failed due to dependent relationships.

This is the most difficult stage, although in fact the most “dumb” and all it takes is asinine stubbornness. Load yourself up with things you didn’t have time for while you were in a relationship.

This also needs to be done while continuing to remain in a dependent relationship. With the same donkey stubbornness.

Without action - no matter how much you push, no matter how much you strain your willpower, no matter how much you persuade yourself - nothing will come of it.

Actions are a mandatory and necessary attribute of “recovery.”

It is clear that after a relationship that promises ongoing happiness and “golden mountains” of new emotions and impressions, it is difficult to do the banal and familiar. But only this way and no other way.

In addition to actions, carry out emotional “work” to identify yourself with your partner.

This means that you need to consciously destroy the “castles in the air” of your illusions, aimed at the fact that with him you will live happily ever after, bathing in love and joy every day, give birth to children, plant cucumbers, buy a dog, and go on a trip . No. Don't fly. You won't give birth. No cucumbers. No children. Not a dog.

To become disidentified is to begin to realize oneself separately from a person, to kill hope for a future with him, to stop believing that everything will work out. That he will come/return/change/love/appreciate. No. You have already missed your chance for a different relationship. All that remains is not to let yourself be driven into a corner completely.

I will deliberately keep silent about some of the effects that may follow attempts to block the channel and disidentify.

Let me say that it would be a mistake at this stage to look for another partner in order to switch thoughts and actions to him. A new partner will help close the “old hole,” but your Ego will not perceive the new partner as a Personality and will despise him.

The main thing at this stage is to redirect energy to some other actions.

Stage 2. “Empty Chair”

You can return part of the invested energy, receive, albeit not energy-emotional “dividends,” but a part of your Personality integrated into your partner, with the help of emotional-imaginative therapy or the “empty chair” technique.

To do this, imagine that your partner is sitting opposite on a chair and talk through the experiences that bother you. This action releases blocked emotions. We talk until devastation sets in. You can't do this at once.

It is still the same channel that still exists, since in the first stage, with due effort, the channel is blocked, but not destroyed.

You can destroy the channel only by receiving part of your Personality back.

Energy works here in the same way, but through images.

How to get a part of yourself back?

Next, when performing the “empty chair” technique, you need to imagine that through the channel all the time energy was flowing from you to the leading partner and this energy has an Image . What is he like? A blue balloon, a bouquet of flowers, a torn, bloody heart, a balloon? This Image is an image of your own energy invested in another person, a part of your personality that was given to another person.

All you need to do is mentally either/or:

1. Abandon this Image forever;
2. Accept it into yourself as part of your personality - take it for yourself.

Mentally imagine how this Image melts/disappears/flies away/breaks/disappears or returns to you and you accept it back. It happens that a part of the personality and the invested energy are so great (for example, your part of the personality has the image of a huge rock or a large ball) that a person cannot accept it into himself, then you need to “enter” the image yourself.

At this stage, some difficulties are possible when it is impossible to either refuse or accept. A person cannot make a decisive choice.

This happens because:

1. in the first case, the person’s Ego stops “trusting” the person who so absurdly squanders parts of the Personality “right and left” and resists refusal;
2. in the second case, the person is afraid of the return of part of the personality, fearing that it will let him down or control him. There is internal splitting and fear of failure to control oneself.

This means that a person in emotional dependence experiences self-doubt, does not value himself, does not trust his feelings or abilities. He resists breaking free from the addiction he complains about because he fears that he will make more mistakes when he is free.

This can be solved by PHYSICAL actions. If you can’t either refuse or accept on your own, then you should turn to real people for help, explaining the situation.

People should pull you in different directions by the arms. One pulls in the direction of “refuse”, the other in the direction of “accept”, persuading you and giving arguments. This must be done until a decision is made.

Often the decision is made to return the “investment”, and this is the best strategy for leaving an addictive relationship. The return of this Image to one’s own body allows one to return lost resources, albeit not of the same quality and quantity as was invested, but even the return of part of the energy gives a person freedom.

And only then does a “letting go” of what a person no longer needs occurs, while it is possible to merge into this “letting go” even to the heap what can be merged. This will be a little “revenge” on your ex-partner.

Psychosomatics in dependent relationships.

Psychosomatics develops when a certain “value” outweighs a person’s psycho-emotional health.

Mothers and wives of alcoholics and drug addicts often suffer from this. Their “duty as wives and mothers” outweighs their own health, leading to dependent relationships. They understand that they won’t be able to save anyone, that they are sacrificing their health and destiny, but they “can’t” do it any other way. Because their “value” turns out to be stronger.

Because they do not understand that an “alcoholic, drug addict” does not need salvation, and his further fall is predetermined by his own desire, they are not responsible for this.

Often psychosomatics shows such people that they are dragging a person on “their hump” against their will.

Emotional dependence can persist for many years, although the person may not even be aware of it. Moreover, he does not suspect that his physical ailment is a consequence of this addiction.

As soon as a person realizes, using the technique of emotional-imaginative therapy, the meaninglessness of his “feat”, this leads to disappointment, and the investment is withdrawn automatically. And to do this, you need to ask the Image and answer on behalf of the Image the question: “Does he need to be saved and dragged on his back somewhere where, perhaps, he is not going?”

The answer often frees a person from psychosomatics.

So, when the “Empty Chair” technique is performed correctly, the invested “capital” is returned, the object of dependence is released and neutralized.

Let me summarize. In order not to voluntarily run into dependent relationships you need to kill the romantic in yourself , adequately assess what is happening, do not build illusions and “castles in the air”, look soberly at the behavior and motives of people’s actions. Respect, first of all, yourself, your interests and desires. Correctly evaluate your partner’s actions without making up meanings for him.published

There is no love without affection, but not all affection is a sign of love. How to get rid of attachment to a person if there are no other feelings left besides it?

Affection for inanimate an object or phenomenon of the world (things, house, habits) is recognized as such. If a person says: “This is my favorite sweater,” it will be clear to him and those around him that what is meant is not love, but affection.

It is much more difficult, and sometimes simply impossible, to distinguish love on your own. to the person from affection for him. Unless attachment to another individual is a symptom of some mental disorder (for example, Adele's syndrome), it is difficult to find a sign that makes it clear that attachment has become excessive.

It is even more difficult to get rid of attachment. Even realizing that the relationship cannot be called love and it would be worth breaking the “vicious circle” a long time ago, this is not easy to do. When a person is tied, it is as if something is holding him against his will.

How often do people confuse love and love addiction! You can live years in delusion, and wake up one day and realize that all this time there was a stranger nearby, but who became a “drug” without whom it is impossible to live.

A strong love attachment is like any other dependencies(from alcohol, nicotine, gambling and computer games, etc.). Another person becomes an object of addiction because it is a source of pleasure, satisfies needs, contributes to an illusory feeling of well-being, harmony, happiness, or simply is a habit without which it is difficult to imagine existence. The presence of a loved one nearby becomes the “dose” that is needed daily.

When there is an idea in the mind that without a person life will lose meaning, and the understanding that sooner or later you will still have to part with him is absent or denied, painful attachment is evident.

People always become attached to their family, loved ones and loved ones. If there were no affection in love, perhaps there would be no institution of family, a man and a woman would not consider it necessary to remain faithful to each other, mothers would not care about their children.

Nature itself decreed that people get used to and become attached to each other. Everything is not too romantic and even quite prosaic - a person needs to have a connection with his own kind in order to survive and continue the human race.

Everyone wants to be loved, to have someone nearby who will understand, hold, help, comfort and to whom they can also give their love.

There is a hormone in the human body that is responsible for tender affection - oxytocin. It is called one of the hormones of calm love. This hormone is the most important element in the formation of the initial mother-child relationship in a woman immediately after childbirth.

Scientists claim that without oxytocin, a man and a woman would end their relationship immediately after the first stage of the relationship (the stage of intense love and passion) passed, and the child who was born during this period of time would turn out to be useless to anyone.

So, attachment to a person should be considered in two forms:

• affection as an integral component of love,
• attachment as a painful dependence.

The difference between affection and love

Painful attachment can be characterized as “symbiosis.” Symbiosis– a form of relationship in which one or both partners benefit from each other.

Wanting to constantly be close to the partner and doing everything to become one with him, the dependent partner forgets about himself.

By becoming too attached to someone, an adult loses his individuality. Each partner should have personal space and freedom of action (but not developing into permissiveness). This is beneficial not only for the individual, but also for relationships. By “merging” with a partner, you can stop being an interesting person for him, thereby depriving the relationship of development and dooming it to death.

Unlike love, attachment to partner, which is an addiction, characterized:

• obsessive thoughts and the desire to be near your loved one all the time;
• passion only for the external characteristics of the partner and physical attraction to him;
• inconstancy of interest (a person is sometimes very interesting, sometimes almost indifferent);
• the sudden onset of an acute feeling of not having a loved one nearby;
• the occurrence of obstacles to personal development and growth due to loss of interest in anything other than the partner’s personality;
• an obstacle to the development of positive feelings towards other people;
• a significant narrowing of the circle of contacts;
• acute experience of separation, leading to a depressive state;
• quarrels for the sake of quarrels, and not for the sake of finding compromises and finding constructive solutions to problems;
• lack or difficulty of making plans for the future;
• focus on satisfying one's own needs and requirements.

If all thoughts, actions, interests are connected with a loved one, and actions performed “in the name of love” harm other areas of life, we can talk about a deep symbiotic attachment.

It should be noted that at the beginning of a relationship (during the candy-bouquet period), a state of fixation on a person is normal and necessary for the emergence of a healthy attachment to him. The only difference is that a loving person “builds” personal relationships into his life, while a painfully attached person replaces it with them.

If you are unfortunate enough to become attached to the wrong person, we recommend reading I. Korchagina’s books “Forget him in 8 days! How to get rid of attachment to the wrong man and find happiness” and “How to survive unhappy love”

Struggling with attachment

It is not easy to free yourself from attachment to a person, just like from any other addiction. Most likely, it will be difficult and painful, and thoughts of returning to the previous pattern of behavior will not give rest.

Sometimes it’s difficult to throw away old broken furniture, let alone weaken the connection with a person. If this connection only brings harm and pain, it is better to break off the relationship altogether. But if the relationship is great, you just need to adjust your behavior and change your way of thinking.

With the problem of painful attachment to a loved one, people often turn to psychologists. An experienced specialist will help you understand the problem and help resolve it. You can try to get rid of attachment to a person on your own.

Tasks that you need to set before yourself:

• become an independent, full-fledged person;
• to be in a relationship not because “I can’t live without him,” but because “I love him.”

Psychologists recommend adhere to this procedure:

1. Define that attachment is a painful addiction, and not just a component of love. This can be done based on knowledge of the signs of attachment.
2. To figure out, which is the object of the dependency. What is it about a loved one or what aspect of the relationship with him or her that is the “drug” that you cannot live without? You'll have to start slowly limiting yourself to this. This way you can reduce not only dependence, but also prevent manipulation by your partner. The main thing is not to rush.
3. Find fear, which makes you “cling” to a person. Answer the question: “Why am I so afraid of losing him?” and work with this fear.
4. Realize that everything in the world is temporary, nothing is eternal and unchanging. A person comes into the world alone and also leaves. You cannot tie a person to yourself, you can only love the individual, respecting independence.
5. Work over inner freedom. Free yourself from constraining fears, stereotypes, self-doubt, reveal the boundaries of possibilities, abilities, and choice of actions.

As a rule, all the benefits that a loved one gives, literally and figuratively, can be:

• find it in yourself or learn to create it yourself;
• receive from another person, object, activity, and so on.

But the addict does not see such opportunities, believes that only this partner is a source of benefits, and therefore is afraid of losing him.

Such a good, which is seen as vitally necessary as air, usually turns out to be Love another man. This is why people who do not love themselves and believe that no one else will love them become very attached to the first person who falls in love with them or even talks about love.

If you always look for the source of happiness in the external world, including in another person, attachment and fear of loss will always arise. Happiness- this is a state of mind, it is inside, not outside. Only such an internal feeling of happiness is enduring, does not cause addiction, gives freedom, harmony, peace and opens the way to selfless love.

There is a lot that is unclear in the relationship between a man and a woman. Each of us wants to be loved. But how can you avoid becoming too attached to a man? Sometimes it can be difficult to discern where the line between healthy and already painful attachment ends. Where is love and where is addiction? And in general, in a relationship, should you become attached to a man quickly or is it better to keep your distance as long as possible?

How not to get too attached?

Trap of affection

Where love is kindled, its companions always appear - dependence and attachment. After all, a child is born absolutely dependent on other people, and it is on this basis that his love and affection then develop. Strange as it may seem, love, even in relationships with parents, does not always arise immediately.

Love is the acceptance of another with all his advantages and disadvantages. This is the ability to perceive a person as a whole. In the first years of his life, a child sees his mother only in the best light. For him, she is the best, the smartest, the most beautiful, well, in general, the best. He certainly idealizes the parental figure. And only in adolescence does the process begin when idealization goes away and is replaced by deidealization. During this period, the teenager sees only the shortcomings and weaknesses of his parents.

And only after passing this stage does it become possible to accept parents as they are, and it is this acceptance that opens in a person the ability for mature love.

In a couple, in the same way, a man and a woman will have to come to true love, going through dependence and attachment. At the same time, some successfully solve the tasks assigned to the soul, while others get stuck in negativity.

If a child’s need for love has never been satisfied, then in the future an adult will strive to make up for what is missing in the relationship. In pursuit of love, a woman does not notice how she falls into her own trap. Being in a long and close relationship with a man, she does not see how, becoming attached to him, she begins to lose herself. She seems to dissolve. Her desires and interests disappear. She subordinates herself and her life to HIM. And not because she loves her very much, but because SHE NEEDS HIM to love her. She needs to envelop the man in the web of her love so that he cannot escape anywhere. She wants to create an invisible cocoon in which there is only HIM and SHE.

It often happens that after living with a man for many years, a woman suddenly experiences great disappointment. Looking back, she understands that she gave her best years to her family and husband, but what is the result? He found a young and beautiful one. The children have flown out of the nest. And here a woman faces a difficult task - to find new meaning in life. How to find something you want to live for? How to find joy and learn to appreciate every moment of life?

You need to understand that you never have to do something only for the sake of another person. Always ask yourself: “Do I want this?” Sometimes a woman clearly feels and realizes that she does not want something, but there is the word “need”...

Often you are absolutely sure that you know what you want to do, but only then for some reason disappointment and pain appear.

In women's nature there is a desire to give more than to receive. That's why she becomes attached faster and stronger. In a relationship, the one who gives more is more attached.

Strength of Attachment

Why is this happening? Why do you think a person begins to experience love for the flowers and trees that he takes care of? Why do some of us become more attached to animals than to people? How does attachment arise?

Attachment arises when you make a long and constant effort to care about someone or something, in a word, you invest your energy, time and effort. As soon as you start giving your energy, you become attached to the object to which you are giving a part of yourself.

We love people not for the good they do to us, but for the good we do for them. The more we invest in a relationship, the faster and stronger we become attached.

We also become attached when we think a lot about a man. We replay conversations and his monologues in our heads. We think about the causes of quarrels and his problems.

Attachments appear when we react emotionally to something. It’s not for nothing that they say that if you want to be remembered, hurt the feelings of your interlocutor. And it doesn’t matter at all which ones. Even anger. The person we made very angry will remember us for a long time.

We also become attached when we care about someone. We cook, clean, wash... “Have you taken your medicine? Have you made an appointment with the doctor? If you have recently met a man, do not start caring about him until you are sure that he is really the one you need. Don’t get attached too quickly yourself and don’t get attached to someone who may not be your man at all.

We also become attached when we have sex. All excuses women make that they need sex only for health are self-deception. Once for health, twice... and then you want it for the soul.

Don't lose yourself in affection

If you think that your to a man is preventing you from living, then start giving less of your energy to him and the relationship in general. Don't fill the entire space with yourself. Don't deprive a man of the opportunity to do anything for you. In this way, you will stimulate the emergence of his feelings for you. Although women who strive for love with all their might act the opposite - they try to do more for a man and demand less from him. They create simply gorgeous conditions for him to be around. And then they complain about how comfortable he is with her and how well he has settled in. And they feel used and unhappy.

Whether you like it or not, any of us will be offended if there is no reciprocity. Especially if we, unilaterally, make an effort. When we do something for someone, we, without realizing it, expect gratitude and, when we don’t receive it, we get offended. And resentment, like rust, eats away at relationships. By being offended, we emotionally distance ourselves from the person, and at the same time he may feel abandoned and unnecessary, lonely.

Women's grievances, dissatisfaction and anger at a man lead to the fact that his affairs begin to go wrong, and all sorts of troubles begin to happen to him. Of course, a woman is not a monster who sends black forces to her partner, but she is capable of influencing the shared space. Being next to an offended, dissatisfied partner, a man cannot be prosperous and successful. But don’t rush to take responsibility for everything that happens. These processes are MUTUAL. A man also contributes to the formation of women's discontent.

What conclusion can be drawn from the above? Learn to hear and listen to YOURSELF. Become independent from men's love and attention. Do not make the only goal of your life the desire to get love, to be loved. Then you can be more free in relationships. You will not be afraid of loneliness.

To be happy with a man, you need to learn to be happy without him, learn to live without him. Fill your life, but leave the place intended for HIM, just in case. Suddenly your long-awaited one will come to the light, but don’t wait for him sitting by the window...

Feminine and masculine energies in relationships

Often a woman, building a relationship with a man, cannot force herself to do her usual things. Her life before and during marriage are very different. Before marriage, there were girlfriends, women's get-togethers, trips, sports, baths, and cosmetic procedures. It was not difficult to keep in shape.

And after 2-3 years of living together with a man, all this gradually fades away. It is becoming increasingly difficult for a woman to force herself to exercise and take care of herself. A man, on the contrary, begins to miss the past. And it turns out that she becomes attached, becomes dependent to some extent, and the man, on the contrary, is burdened by too clingy relationships. This is how feminine and masculine energies behave. It also happens differently. The man becomes more infantile, and the woman becomes more active. This means that the ratio of female and male energies is disrupted in the union, in the usual sense. A man accumulates more feminine energy and becomes more attached. And a woman who has more masculine energy gets tired of being with a man.

Another reason for female neglect may also lie in the fact that without a man you NEEDED to look good for HIM. And having found a partner, you relaxed. But it turns out that you did everything not for myself.

If you have order and delicious food is prepared, when a man is in the house, and without him, mountains of dishes can “decorate” your kitchen for days, then how do you feel about yourself? It turns out that the desire to receive the love of a man pushes you to great deeds, but you are not capable of the same efforts out of love for yourself.

Strong attachment leads to the fact that a woman loses herself... But this is a delusion. She does not lose herself, but on the contrary, she discovers her real HER. And everything that came before was just a mask, carefully hiding her childish dependent part.

The described process is inevitable in long-term and serious relationships. However, you need to be aware of what kind of man is next to you. Is it worth getting attached to someone who does not have good human qualities? Someone who, after some time, will lose interest in you and, most importantly, respect?

It's not easy not to lose yourself in a relationship. And this is an inevitable process. In my programs, I teach not to be afraid to dissolve in relationships and rediscover your true self.

But in order not to lose yourself, you need to feel your inner core, your “I”. Moreover, there may be a rod, but only it is rigid, “metallic”. And when it breaks, you lose yourself. In this case, you have to form a new rod - strong, but flexible, soft, unbreakable.

Many women told me how after a breakup they began to actively move up the career ladder. They became prosperous.

And what prevented them from doing this, being next to a man - from being successful and fulfilled? Why does marriage become a stop in personal development for many? Why does the wonderful feeling of love turn into a cage for the female soul?

We come to Earth to hone two of our abilities:

Learn to love and realize yourself in the work for which we were given our abilities; and also losing and re-finding yourself in relationships.

But remember, before you lose yourself, make sure that your real man is next to you. you will find out what kind of man he is.

How not to lose yourself too quickly and not get too attached ?

1. Know yourself.
Become aware of your desires and goals in life. What more do you want than to be with a man? If you forgot, then it's time to remember. If you don’t know, it’s time to find out. You must see your path in life and feel yourself.

It often happens that a man, consciously or not, takes a woman away from herself and her desires only because her needs do not fit into his picture of life. For example, a husband does not want a woman to work. And when she tells him that she would be interested in working, he begins to give reasons why there is no need to do this: “It’s not profitable,” “You’ll be more useful at home,” “We don’t need money,” “Don’t you have enough?” how much do I give? I’ll give you even more money,” “Come on, we’ll go somewhere to relax, apparently you’re tired of being at home, you need a change of scenery...” And the woman forgets about her desire for a while. This happens several times, and now she completely abandons her aspirations. Travel quickly switches her thoughts - if a child insists on his desire, then there is no need to refuse him in a sharp, categorical form, it is enough to simply transfer his attention to something else.

An adult, unlike a child, constantly keeps his desires and goals in sight.

2. Don't quickly switch to another topic of conversation.
If you have a specific question for a man, and he avoids answering in every possible way, do not lose the thread and purpose of the conversation. Persistently but gently return him to the problem that interests you.

3. Don't make hasty decisions.
Women's emotionality often pushes you to make hasty promises. And your natural decency will not allow you to later refuse what you have already promised.

4. The most vulnerable female feeling is pity.
A woman can do a lot for a man not so much out of love as out of pity. And many live like this with their husbands for years. “But what about it? “He will be lost without me.”

And how many women, out of pity, forgive men for rude treatment of themselves? Remember, pity arises only because there is a child hidden deep inside you that needs your sympathy. Without finding and feeling it, you become extremely susceptible to the suffering of a man.

5. Learn to accept attention, gifts, and care from a man.
Include him in the process of spending - emotions, money, time, care, tenderness... Do not rush to fill all the space with yourself. Do not invest in a relationship at first, but rather watch the man. Don't feel obligated to sleep with your gentleman if he paid for you in a restaurant. And don’t try to pay for yourself. Let your man take care of you.

Having accepted something from a man, do not feel indebted, do not jump for joy when you receive one rose as a gift. At the beginning of dating, do not fill a man with your emotions. Do not bring down a barrage of your love and unspent tenderness on him. Don't waste your money.

6. Don't buy into pretty words.
Observe the man's actions. Don’t be fooled by all this talk: “I dreamed about you. God himself sent you to me. I don’t know why I deserved such a gift.” Be careful. Do not fall into the carefully woven web of Casanova, who needs you as another trophy. By the way, if you meet Don Juan on your way, then that’s probably better. Don Juan is at least sincerely attracted to a woman. True, he had and will have such hobbies... in general, you are not the final station on his journey.

Free yourself from your strong desire to be loved! Don't limit yourself to just relationships with a man. Life is diverse, and you came to Earth to learn to love yourself first, and only then your loved ones.

Find your purpose in life. Find meaning in many things, as well as the lack thereof.

Do you want to find yourself and get rid of your addiction and attachment to a man?Come see me at

With love,

Irina Gavrilova Dempsey

Very often on women's websites and psychological forums you can come across a discussion of the following problem - “ I get attached to people very quickly, how can I cope with this problem?“Many readers and visitors to thematic sites have a reasonable question: why is attachment a problem and why are people so eager to get rid of this, in general, not bad feeling.

The explanation lies in the approach to the concept of attachment - in principle, it is normal to feel sympathy for other people, it is abnormal to stick to them, become dependent on them like a drug, and experience painful experiences and deep stress in their absence.

When a healthy hobby turns into illness, and why we sometimes become attached to people who are essentially strangers - let's discuss in detail.

Concepts of healthy and unhealthy attachment

Showing sympathy is normal and characteristic of all people in love. We all, in one way or another, become attached to those we value, those who are part of our circle of trust, who make up our family and our small individual world. It is the feeling of connection and closeness with each other that is the basis for maintaining all relationships and in this vein, a feeling of affection is the norm.

But the topic of our discussion will not be such kind and deep sympathy, but a feeling of complete dependence on another person or, in other words, painful attachment. What is it and why can’t you become attached to people in this way?

A painful attraction to another person manifests itself first of all in complete dependence: you cannot live a single day without him, you need to see him, hear him, constantly talk to him or about him. You completely forget about your affairs or carry out your duties carelessly, and if the object of your passion does not notice you, you are ready to die of melancholy and pain. If you are experiencing the range of feelings described above, it means that you are literally obsessed with attachment and you urgently need psychological help.

Someone might argue that a person can experience all such emotions while simply being deeply in love with someone. This is delusion and love is different from attachment as heaven is from earth.

Love or addiction - how to figure it out

We have already said that there are different types of attachment - normal sympathy and painful dependence. The difference between these two psychological states is cardinal: sympathy often develops into a feeling of love, but dependence turns either into complete obsession (fanaticism) or turns into hatred of the object of former passion. Both have equally destructive effects on the human psyche, so one should strive to get rid of hobbies of this type as soon as possible.

How to learn to distinguish love from obsession? It’s very simple - love is a bright feeling, there is more desire in it to give than to take, love cannot be angry and knows how to forgive everything. With emotional attachment, a person is more fixated on himself and his desires - he wants the object of his feelings to always be nearby, to fulfill all his whims and whims.

And in order to achieve this goal, the one obsessed with passion stops at nothing - he shamelessly invades personal space, arranges ugly scenes of jealousy, starts surveillance and endlessly demands attention to his own person. Love can develop and grow, but in passion everything remains unchanged and relationships of this type are doomed in advance to destruction - slow or fast, depending on the accompanying circumstances.

How to prevent sympathy from turning into obsession?

If you notice in your character a tendency to be overly enthusiastic about unfamiliar people and quickly fall passionately in love with them, and you can say about yourself - “ I get attached to people very quickly and strongly“, then it won’t hurt you to familiarize yourself with the following advice from professional psychologists:

And finally, last but most importantly, love yourself. Learn respect and love for yourself, be proud of who you are - and people will be drawn to you sincerely, and you will not need to tie anyone near you or to yourself.

When we fall in love or a person becomes very dear to us, a feeling of attachment often arises. This is a feeling of closeness and devotion, a desire to be together always and everywhere, caused by strong sympathy and positive emotions. On the one hand, there is nothing wrong with him, at least as long as you have the opportunity to be with this person. But if for some reason you can no longer be together or she has begun to turn into an obsession, a dangerous addiction, then the time has come for your own good and the good of the person dear to you to get rid of her.

A very strong feeling - attachment to a person - how to get rid of such a powerful emotional state? First of all, learn to seize the moment. As soon as you have a desire to see the subject of your addiction, try to distract yourself by concentrating on the present moment. Look around, see how deep the blue color of the sky is, take a deep breath of the autumn air, look at the strings of yellow leaves rushing past. You are where you are and that's wonderful.

Don't fantasize and don't run away into thoughts about a long time ago, be here and now.

The second step will be to search and determine your true desires. It often happens that we try to satisfy some desires through completely different methods. What do you really want? Why do you need this particular person? Perhaps you lack fun, happiness, attention. And therefore, a feeling of attachment arises towards the first person you come across who brings these emotions into your life. But you can be cheerful and happy regardless of others if you become a self-sufficient person.

At this moment it will be great to do what you love. If you don’t already have some huge and all-consuming hobby in your life, then it’s time to find it. Doing what you love will make you happy and free. The best choice will be if this activity can not only give you pleasure and joy, but also generate financial income.

In situations of intense attachment, meditation can also help, so a few yoga sessions won't hurt. If yoga is not suitable for you, then you can sign up for fitness, aerobics, Pilates and any other classes, or go jogging in the morning. This will help you get rid of all those unnecessary thoughts from your head and spend your excess free time with health benefits.

Next, you should communicate with other people. If your social circle is limited to one person, then the feeling of attachment is quite logical and inevitable. Therefore, you can avoid it by expanding your social circle and meeting new people. This will help spread your energy and attention across multiple people rather than just one person.

Don't forget that a change of environment helps in many situations, including attachment. So pack your bags and go on vacation. If this is not possible, go visit friends and visit your parents. Rearrange or refresh your apartment with cosmetic renovations. In general, change the boring environment.

It will be great if you can say goodbye to all the things and places that connected you with this person. Such an escape will significantly speed up the process of liberation from addiction.

Quite often, having found themselves in such a situation, people change not only their circumstances, but also their image. Of course, this is not a requirement and is only appropriate if you have already thought about it. Then we can assume that it would be difficult to find a more suitable time.

Be cheerful and positive, do not fall into the depths of depression. Treat yourself to little joys. Always remember that every day in your life is a holiday. Do not withdraw into yourself, do not imprison yourself in your fortress of loneliness. People are by nature collective creatures. Continue to laugh, love, respect others.

A well-known proverb says that a wedge is knocked out with a wedge. Therefore, a new love or affection will save you from the old relationship. But is this the way out? It's up to you to decide. Everyone has their own understanding of happiness and pleasure.

If you feverishly type in your browser search engine “how to get rid of attachment to a person,” then do not think that you will find a panacea or recipes that will get rid of attachment in one evening. This doesn't happen. It will take time to fully heal from attachment. You may even need the help of a psychologist.

The main thing in this matter is determination. If you definitely decide for yourself that you don’t need this attachment, then, like with any addiction, you can always say goodbye to it. Only by getting rid of attachment will you achieve absolute freedom.

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