Is it worth dating? Is it worth dating a young man: the pros and cons of relationships

Question to a psychologist

Hello! My name is Anastasia. I’m 21 years old. I’ve been dating a guy for 3 years, he’s 1 year older. I’m very confused in the relationship. Since we’ve been dating for a long time, it seems that I can’t live without him, an addiction has begun - I miss him a lot, I’m sad, I’m very jealous. I used to always want to be with him, but the relationship developed very difficultly and now I’m thinking about the future. There have been a lot of situations because of which now I worry every day, what’s next... He once left me alone when I was very hysterical - there were reasons for that, he just left, but I really wanted to be pressed and everything would have gone away, I tried to somehow smooth out the situation, but he still left, seeing my tears, I had a breakdown and a problem with hormones began... to this he told me that I had brought myself to grief... It happened that He had time for friends, but not for me... at the same time, he once told me, well, be patient, we’ll meet soon, as if I was the only one waiting for the meeting. It’s very disappointing that a loved one does this to me, whom I love more than life itself, even more than myself, and I expect that reciprocation. I am a 4th year student at the institute and I understand that I will graduate soon enough and will need to look for a job. I’m very afraid of this, because I know myself very well - I can say that I have a poor understanding of almost everything, I have no intelligence, I’m very shy, stupid - I can’t formulate anything else, I’m very kind and therefore I can’t always stand up for myself.. when I ask myself why am I with him..? I understand that I love him very much, but the fear that no one will love someone like me more if I break up with him is present, he is a military man, so he will have a job, but I don’t know if I’ll get a good one, how will I I don’t even know how to live without him. But at the same time, I understand that you shouldn’t rely on him, he can betray you in a difficult situation. I'm afraid to be alone and don't know what to do.

Hello, Anastasia.

It is very difficult to depend on someone who does not always understand and can protect. But there is a choice: you can change your qualities that prevent you from finding a good job and being independent. We cannot and want to change all of our properties, but we can stand up for ourselves, orient ourselves better and become less shy. I think that you still have low self-esteem; you are too critical of yourself. Self-esteem can also be raised not by success, but by reconsidering your attitude towards yourself.

It’s not always possible to do this on your own, but you can turn to a psychotherapist to help you become more independent. Then you can decide whether you want to continue to be with this person or whether he is not worthy of you. You have two more years before graduating from college; this is enough time to work on yourself. Good luck!

Hello, Anastasia. I feel that there is a lot of fear in you, and that you feel like a small, fledgling sparrow. Because of this lack of self-confidence, you have completely become dependent on a person in whom you can hear a certain cruelty and authority. He is rude and selfish, but you are afraid to do anything, showing your independence. Because you mistakenly consider yourself an ugly duckling, and he is a gift from fate. In such a relationship, you will have to live his life, pleasing and obeying, but not live your own. And this is bad with from all points of view. You need to start with self-affirmation. As you know, a girl with any shape and weight attracts men if she loves herself first. Because her cheerfulness and sparkle are captivating. And it becomes interesting with her. And, of course, being confident, she You won’t let anyone hurt you. Therefore, you are certainly good, but you have cruel self-criticism, and you see yourself through the eyes of self-criticism. And not through the eyes of a queen. And you need to learn to feel like the best. Download Ellis’s book. Humanistic psychotherapy. Make it a desktop book. A, if you involve a psychologist, even better. And start working on yourself. When you appreciate yourself, then appreciate the qualities of the person who is next to you.

Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychologist Volgograd

Important information: those who have read to the end all the recommended materials listed here: - quit drugs.

Try it too! This works regardless of the duration of use and type of drug.

There is no definite answer here. It all depends on what kind of person he is and, most importantly, what kind of family does he have?.

The last aspect is the most important, because if the family itself is unhealthy, then the chance is too great that after a while he will start again and they will not help or contribute to his healing in any way.

In general, the most important thing here is to look at his current affairs. Not in words, but in deeds! If he sings songs to you about how he will soon earn millions, but in reality, he does not have money NOW even for cigarettes, and has not closed a single loan, then you better calm down and take the noodles off your ears.

But, let's take it in order...

In what cases is it absolutely forbidden to start a serious relationship with a former drug addict?

If your young man himself has never mentioned drugs, but you accidentally found out, asked, and he began to fuss - think about it!

If he doesn't tell you anything about his former use, does not talk about how he quit, for how long and what he used, then he is STILL A DRUG ADDICT.

Also, if he talks about the use as if there's nothing wrong with that and does not list the problems that drugs brought him - HE IS STILL A DRUG ADDICT.

No, he may not consume anything at this moment, but here His psychology is still not healthy. To this day he is a prisoner of self-deception and simply does not realize how serious it is.

And, if he is now at this level, then a breakdown is inevitable. I really don't recommend it to you try to treat him or somehow bring him to the truth, if you do not have downright unearthly love.

Better move away from him and find a more predictable guy. Family life with a drug addict is a living hell and not every wife can force him to leave. Therefore, if the relationship has not yet gone far, it is better not to develop it.

Be sure to be wary if his family is silent about use and avoids this topic in every possible way. This means that they are also dishonest and you will have big problems in the future if he starts again.

A normal family, which helped him quit and stopped his use in every possible way, will not behave as if nothing happened, they will tell you the details.

And, if you received an inarticulate answer to your question, run! Means, they didn't treat him They will not treat and will not help, if something happens.

In general, such a family - absolutely mentally unhealthy and this can affect other aspects of life that relate not only to drug addiction.

Also: if a former drug addict has serious health problems, for example, Hepatitis C or HIV, then I don't think it's worth mentioning that it is better to break off a relationship than to “catch” a fatal disease sooner or later.

No love can cost life!

Besides these there are NO obvious three, you should know other disadvantages that a relationship with a former drug addict can entail.

All this, of course, may not happen, but... In this case It's better to be safe than sorry. Although, in fairness, you can find someone who is not a former drug addict, but he will turn out to be an excellent scumbag, a reveler, and the list goes on.

1.He may have many outstanding loans

Be sure to check this point with your boyfriend, since unpaid debts are extremely bad.

If he is now paying them intensively - this is a good sign, which means he has a very serious intention of returning to normal life.

If they are dangling by his “tail”, then keep in mind that this problem will affect you too, if you start living with a former drug addict. No, you won’t have to pay them, but you won’t have the opportunity to take out anything on credit.

And this, you see, good help for a young family.

Then, large amounts of unpaid loans put an end to him as a traveler. Are you ready not to go anywhere with him? Are you ready to exchange your free life and travel for a gray existence, but in love?

See for yourself, but as practice shows, love ends quickly when a young family there are a lot of problems and restrictions. The wife will definitely begin to feel dissatisfied and annoyed that she got involved with a loser...

2. He may have no property at all.

And here we are no longer even talking about real estate or a car. Him may not be at all basic things: a camera, power tools for the home, a computer, a normal mobile phone...

That is, such little things which everyone has working people with no history of drug problems.

And if he has nothing, like that Latvian, then you will have to make it all together, because, You won’t be full of love and you won’t be happy.

But, if it works stably, then you can make money very quickly. Unless, of course, he fails...

If it goes wrong, not only will you not make money, He will take your property to the pawnshop too!

3.He may have trouble getting a driver's license.

If you want your future husband to drive, then with an ex-drug addict this can become problematic.

If he doesn't have rights, be sure to ask whether they existed at all. If so, and they were taken away, then in 99% of cases it was for refusing to undergo an examination, which is punishable not only by the loss of rights, but also by a large fine.

That is, to re-obtain rights - I have to pay this fine. Think, are you ready for such difficulties?

4.He may have a criminal record

And this means that not for every job he will be accepted, also, you will not be able to participate in many emigration programs, also, your future child will not be able to go to serve in the police...

In general, if you are already planning a life together with a former drug addict, then calculate everything down to the smallest detail. Maybe you had a dream of winning the Green Card lottery? And with such a person you will have to give up your dream.

5.You won't have a circle of normal friends.

Former drug addicts rarely manage to maintain connections with normal society, old friends, colleagues.

At the time of use, they communicate in drug circles, while they act very dishonestly with old acquaintances (for example, they borrow money and do not pay it back)

As a result, when they quit drugs, they refuse to communicate with their friends who are drug addicts, but They no longer have normal acquaintances.

This means that in case of any problems, he and there will be no one to turn to. It’s a small thing, grab some money for a couple of days or call someone to move furniture... In general, think.

6.He may have problems working

Therefore, it may be that he was very spoiled at the time of use and I'm used to leaving everything halfway. It will be incredibly difficult for him to work consistently, move up the career ladder, and remain silent once again in front of his superiors...

Still, ex-addict is quite different from people who have never used and have worked steadily all their lives.

7.He may have health problems

Yes, it’s trite, but he may be physically weak and exhausted. This means that he will not be able to go and work as a loader in case of emergency; he will not be able to garden, for example. Yes, he can’t do a lot of things...

Be sure to pay attention to his health, namely: heart, liver. A former drug addict and at 30 years old maybe, literally, semi-invalid and in terms of endurance - like an old man.

Do you need it?

8. He may not be able to stand a simple and boring life.

Well, I left the most important thing for a snack. No matter how much a former drug addict sings songs to you about how he wants stability and a family, think thrice.

Most likely he just doesn't know what does it mean to just live, making money all the time, spending boring evenings, regularly cleaning the apartment and constantly doing some household, routine tasks.

Still, former drug addicts, generally have a hard time understanding the word “should”. This must be realized, since your boyfriend, who will turn into a husband, may very quickly consider your ordinary family life unbearable boredom and hopeless, a gray pastime.

Wives are surprised: how??? How does it make no sense? We lived normally, got a place to live, gave birth to a child...

But for a former drug addict, this is all hard work and not at all the norm. He doesn’t want routine and stability, but thrills and doing nothing, alas...

Overall, what can we say? Former drug addict - a problematic person in all aspects. But, if your love outweighs all the risks, try it! You never know? Maybe your boyfriend will turn out to be the best husband in the world?

Hello, This is Lesha Doc and in this article I will answer the question of a guy who found himself in a difficult situation

And the subject of his letter sounds like this: “Is it worth dating a girl?”

my favorite girl right now, That

Click: Get your favorite girl

I'll answer you personally.

My personal email: [email protected] (everything is free)

And here is his letter that he sent to me:

Hi Aleksey. Articles are bomb. Help me out of a difficult life situation or at least show me which direction to go! Because everything turned out this way that I'm afraid of messing things up now!

Today I'm 24, I have a girlfriend. Together 4 years, we are only living in a civil marriage for the first time, she wants a wedding - I’m not sure! She wants children - I think not!! Is it already... Have you all arrived?

We have everyday life, sometimes we fight very seriously, then again another month of calm! And all over again! It would seem that everything is not so bad, she is perfect for me. She cooks deliciously, cleans, does laundry, brings me tea, I notice a lot of little things in which she shows me that she really cares about me!..

I do not know why, but I'm behaving like the last bastard, I don’t appreciate these things, I often take it out on her! It’s as if I don’t care about her at all, although with the second part of my brain I understand that this is my ideal wife, what else doesn’t suit you with the cudgel?

And in my soul I'm empty, I have no desire to get up in the morning to work, to earn money for my family, I abandoned sports, all my goals, motivations, the world seemed to have become gray for me. And I feel like I'm missing out! You know?

No matter how stupid it may sound, I'm drawn to the old way of life, in my student years, where I felt at my best, full of strength and energy. There was a sea of ​​beautiful girls surrounded, clubs, parties, flirting, but I don’t know how I put the collar on myself so early, and now I regret it!

And I kind of want to go back to that time, because it’s not too late. And breaking everything we built these 4 years is stupid. I can imagine how many relatives will look at me crookedly later.

What to do next? Should I destroy everything I have and go into single life, or can I somehow work through this problem? After all, I know all this, cockroaches are probably clouding my mind?! And is it worth dating a girl?

So, let's understand this situation.

What can you say about the girl?

The girl is feminine, driven, knows how to do everything around the house and respects her man, while striving to start a family and have a child. In fact, this girl is ideal for any real man and a good support for him. With such a girl you can completely immerse yourself in your activities and not think about many little things that relate to everyday life, etc.

In other words, such a girl every time will make her man stronger and stronger, as a result, a man’s income will increase tens and hundreds of times. Since a man will not waste his energy on scandals, showdowns and other nonsense.

The only problem with this girl is that that she chose an ordinary egoist instead of a real man who is not capable of anything in this life.

So, now let's talk about the guy.

The guy is just a regular goofball he doesn't want to work, he doesn’t want to invest in a relationship, he doesn’t need a family and children.

What does he need?

He wants to stupidly go out and fuck with different girls, squander money that he doesn’t have and hang noodles on everyone’s ears, what an unreal man he is. In other words, the guy has no willpower, you can’t rely on him, he will always betray you in difficult times.

He is selfish and stupidly takes advantage of the girl, so she can give him sex, cooked, cleaned, and he, in turn, instead of gratitude, stupidly takes it out on her and dreams of other easily accessible girls.

The future of such a guy is already predetermined and there will be nothing good in it, he will drink too much, walk, fuck, and over time his health will go away and serious illnesses will come. As a result, no one will need him anymore.

So what do you need to do?

If you want to be selfish and an asshole, then break up with the girl and don’t fool her and don’t waste her precious time, there are a lot of guys who will happily marry her and start a family with children.

If you want to stay with her, then grab your head, and start developing yourself in a masculine way and propose to the girl. Don't be a sad piece of shit.

This article is just a small part of what is on my sites, they contain a lot of useful and practical information on this and other topics that interest you. You can immediately successfully use this information in practice with girls, without wasting your time. Now I have 2 sites: lesha-dok..

Click: More articles on this topic

By the way, if you want to get yours my favorite girl right now, That

Click: Get your favorite girl

If you have a question for me, then write, I I'll answer you personally. On the topic of girls, I have been giving advice for 9 years, I have a huge experience. (all confidential). Copy my email from here below and write.

My personal email: [email protected] (everything is free)

What guys say about the articles:

“Lesha, from the moment I started reading your articles, I changed my life a lot. If you apply your advice, then not only your relationships with girls will change, but your whole life in general. Now I live like a MAN, and the girls feel it))”
Egor, Moscow

“Thank you so much, Lesha!!! The tips from your articles are useful, they change your own psychology and attitude towards the world and towards girls. Now everything in my life has changed dramatically. Thankful to you!"
Maxim, Ukraine

“Alexey, thank you so much for what you do. You help people find each other, while breaking all the stereotypes of behavior between guys and girls. After your advice, it becomes easier to communicate with girls and live in general. It turns out that everything is simple!)”

A relationship with a junior partner is less controversial than before and has many benefits. But there are also disadvantages. Dating a young man or guy - is it worth undertaking such a life adventure?

A relationship with a young man ceases to be something exotic. Couples in which the woman is older are gaining popularity. Especially among twenty-year-old guys, you can notice a kind of infatuation with older women. But beautiful ladies are not far behind (society chronicles only confirm this trend). And they can be understood! Dating is interesting, the partner is already splashing with hormones and, moreover, does not yet have ingrained bad habits...

Divide your age by 2 and then add 7 to the result. How much is it? This is exactly what, by Western standards, should be the lower limit of your partner’s age.

Of course, there are reasons for this state of affairs: a relationship with a young man has many advantages. However, there is also a “dark side” - we will consider all of this.

Dating a younger, older woman: the benefits of a relationship

Sex, sex, sex

Men reach their sexual peak in their twenties, when testosterone production is highest. In turn, women experience their best moments in their thirties and forties.

The younger partner generally has more energy and desire to experiment and try some new things in life (not only in bed, but there too). Trying out all sorts of new products increases the production of dopamine, and this increases the desire to spend time with you

Variety of dates

Young men, as mentioned above, love to try new things. Therefore, dates with them often become not classic romantic dinners, but “savoring” life in different ways. When dating a young man, be prepared for the fact that one day he will take you for a walk, and the next he will drag you out on a bungee. Thanks to creative dates, you won't be bored in each other's company for a long time.

Inspiration

The younger guy is a volcano of energy that at the same time inspires and helps to experience a second youth. When your partner is active, works, strives to realize his dreams, and you begin to do the same.

Appearance

Young men take care of themselves, their appearance and attractiveness. Their appearance is important to them, but also to their partner, because it ignites passion in the relationship.

Desire to learn

People say that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. This may not be a pretty comparison, but it is a very true one. An older partner or peer already has his own habits (including harmful ones), addictions that will be difficult to get rid of, and this is even under the optimistic condition that the other person will show the will to cooperate. The younger man will want to learn himself and will be attentive to your suggestions.

Less life baggage

It is quite natural that the older we get, the more experience we have. Young man means less experienced. Most likely, he has had fewer disappointments in the past, and because of this, he will be more frank and open with you. He hasn't had time to get burned many times yet. Plus, less experience also means he had fewer exes to compare you to. He also probably doesn't have children from a previous relationship.

Is it worth dating a young man: cons

Difference in lifestyle and mentality

Don’t be surprised if from time to time he wants to take a “vacation from the relationship” and spend time with friends whom he perceives as his brothers. In addition (probably, this will not be very easy for you to bear), say, 10 years is actually not just an age difference, but a change of generations. Your childhood and youth were completely different - it is not surprising that it will be difficult for you to find a common language. You were still climbing trees, but he was born with a phone under his arm and taking selfies for Instagram at every step? Of course, everything can work out for you, but you need to immediately understand that there will be problems.

Pressure

A younger man may feel backed into a corner because he does not feel that his time has come to make serious statements and decisions. Dating a guy or a younger man can be difficult because he is not ready to take responsibility for his partner, for example, by deciding to get married. He may be much more impressed by simply being a couple and acting as a boyfriend rather than a groom or husband. And this may be perceived by you as a lack of real feelings.

Even more pressure is felt due to the ticking of the biological clock: perhaps yours is already ticking with all its might, but his is not necessarily ticking. Women feel a special need to start a family between 20 and 30 years of age. In men it appears after a few years. So, if, on top of everything else, your boyfriend is younger than you, you can only hope that he will become the exception that confirms the rule, or patiently wait for the awakening of the paternal instinct.

The need to conform

By deciding to date a younger gentleman than you, you are dooming yourself to worry about your attractiveness and constant comparison with younger potential rivals. Of course, this is a powerful incentive that brings a lot of positive results. However, the struggle for unfading beauty, slimness and youth can turn into an exhausting marathon with an unpredictable finish.

Money

The matter is prosaic, but over time it becomes more and more important. A younger man will most likely have a lower social and financial position than you because he has less experience. Or perhaps he is still studying and is not yet a free bird, but a student who lives on a scholarship and receives money from his parents.

In the beginning, this may not bother you. But if your relationship turns into something more serious and lasting, it could be a burden for you in the long run.

Social stigma

If you enter into a relationship with a younger person and begin to actively date in public, you need to prepare for the fact that people may look at you askance. Some may think that you want to prove something to yourself with this connection, others may think that your partner needs a mother, and not a partner in you. People can be angry and sarcastic, so prepare for this in advance and... live your life. Bitter comments shouldn't affect your happiness.

Whether it is worth dating a young man - every woman must decide for herself, weighing all the pros and cons. However, it is important to understand that all relationships - with a younger or older man - go through certain crises and face many difficulties. Don't despair: if you truly value your relationship, you can certainly find ways to solve problems with your partner, no matter what your age difference is.

Question for a psychologist:

Hello! I recently met a young man on the Internet; we see each other once every two weeks. I am 18, he is 28. He is a very good person, all the qualities in him suit me: attentive, polite, caring, experienced, smart, reliable, thoughtful. We met him in August, met two weeks later, the first date went well, he gave me a book, which I chose myself. Age doesn’t bother us; we both feel on the same level. But there is one problem: he doesn’t evoke any feelings in me. I feel comfortable and calm about communicating, walking, going somewhere with him, but only as with a friend or friend. Recently we kissed for the first time, but it didn’t evoke any strong emotions in me either. What worries me is that I don't feel anything for him, can this be fixed? Should I continue this relationship or is it better to end everything before it’s too late? Are there any chances that I will love him? Or maybe this is not necessary, because many somehow live without love, create families, etc. Before that, there was a relationship (he was 4 years older than me), but then I only had a feeling of being in love, but nothing more. We broke up after 3 months on my initiative. At the age of 9, I also fell in love with a guy (5 years older than me, I couldn’t stop loving him for a long time, now all my feelings for him seem to have faded away, but sometimes I still think about him... In general, I’ve always been interested in older guys, and in the last few months I began to notice that I was already attracted to young men (over 25 years old). I grew up without a father, but I never regretted it and didn’t even have a desire to see him, that is, I don’t feel his absence. have I become interested in men who are much older than me? I have never been attracted to my peers, I think it’s not scary. My mother knows about this young man, knows his age, but she is not against our meetings, because she sees positive qualities in him, yes. and I myself understand that such men do not lie on the road and almost everyone dreams of such a husband, but what about the feelings... Help me, please, figure it out, I don’t know what to do with this: break up now or continue to develop the relationship? I don’t want to leave. And one more question worries me: is it normal that we see each other so rarely? He has work, I have school, we don’t get to see each other often, we don’t correspond much, but every day we are interested in each other’s affairs.

Psychologist Galina Petrovna Burovtseva answers the question.

Hello, Victoria.

I would like to note right away that the longest, strongest, harmonious and happiest marriages are marriages of convenience. This does not mean material calculation, but a conscious choice based on your views on the advantages and disadvantages of the opposite sex.

“...He is a very good person, all the qualities in him suit me: attentive, polite, caring, experienced, intelligent, reliable, thoughtful...” - quote. You characterize your friend as a completely worthy and reliable person for a long-term relationship. This is the choice or “calculation” of the positive qualities of your chosen one.

Further, “...we kissed for the first time, but this did not evoke strong emotions in me. What worries me is that I don’t feel anything for him, can this be fixed?..” -quote. What emotions did you experience when kissing previous partners? For a kiss, both the setting and the mood are important. A fleeting kiss in the park, when there is a fear that someone will see - one feeling, in a restaurant at a table where people eat and look around - another, in a movie, in the dark through the armrest, where a stranger is on the other hand - a third, in an intimate setting - one more and so on. It is impossible to judge love by the feeling of the first kiss. Now, if you passionately desired a meeting, wanted intimacy, waited, drew pictures in your imagination, it is possible that your feelings were stronger.

“...Is it necessary to continue this relationship or is it better to end everything before it’s too late? Are there any chances that I will love him?..” - quote. First you need to understand what “I will love” means to you. Please note that at 9 years old and during adolescence, when a person is usually at an emotional peak, sensations and feelings are somewhat different from feelings at an older age, this is due to acquired experience, emotional stability, desire for special experiences, etc. “All ages are submissive to love” is a well-known expression. But each age has its own unique characteristics that only the person himself can appreciate.

Should I or should I not continue? Only you can decide for yourself. But what does “late” mean? It's certainly not too late. People get married and live for years, then get divorced, finally understanding their feelings. This does not mean that in order to get to know a person, you must definitely marry him and then either fall in love or, disappointed, leave him. But without developing relationships, without opening up to the person who is nearby, without opening up to relationships, it is impossible to understand love. Love is not a passion when everything inside trembles at the mere thought of Him. Love is the desire to be together, to get to know each other, to do things, to live and enjoy intimacy, together, side by side. Try to write a list of what you would like to do with your friend, for example: eat, walk, sing, dance, laugh, watch a movie, etc., etc.

“...Is it normal that I have become interested in men who are much older than me?..” - quote. The concept of “norm” is very relative. What is normal for one person is extremely unacceptable for another. You know very well that there are couples with an age difference of 20-30 years and the same age. And to say that the age difference is the whole point is to say nothing. Of course, people choose their own partner based on personal preferences. Why did such preferences become the criterion for selection? Question. It can, of course, be considered, but not within the framework of one letter.

Victoria, you asked a question and answered it yourself: “...And another question worries me: is it normal that we see each other so rarely? He has work, I have school, we don’t get to see each other often, we don’t correspond much, but every day we are interested in each other’s affairs...” The reasons for rare meetings are quite objective. If you have the desire and opportunity, you can put it up for discussion and decide how often you can see each other, based on your personal commitment to work and study.

Wish you luck! And I highly recommend not analyzing everything and everyone too scrupulously. This way you can “confuse” yourself to the point of not wanting to date men at all. Live, get to know the world and people, be kind and open, and a miracle will definitely happen in your life - Love. For he who seeks finds!

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