My child has no friends, what should I do? Why does the child have no friends? Why do some children have no friends?

Every friendship begins with some sign that two people want to become friends. So, to find a friend, you need to show the other child that your child is interested in him and express openness to friendship with him. It’s easier for preschoolers: they are naive and spontaneous, and sometimes ask directly: “Do you want to be my friend?” But older children cannot always show their interest directly. What should a child do then?

Greetings

A very simple way to find friends is to show them your openness. Shy children often have problems with this. When another child says, “Hello!”, shy children will respond by turning away, remaining silent, or simply muttering something in response. This is because they feel awkward, but other children read it as a message: "I don't love you and I don't want anything to do with you!" This is not how shy children feel, but it is how they communicate. With such communication, it is very difficult to find friends, and the child is left alone.

You can help your child learn to be open, at least in greetings. This is good to do with the help of role-playing games, when the child practically plays out the line of his behavior and the behavior of other children. Explain to your child that a friendly greeting includes eye contact and a warm smile. You also need to speak loudly enough for the other child to hear. Saying the other person's name after "hello" makes the greeting more personal.

Compliments

Compliments are another simple way that shows a child's readiness for friendship. He feels good when he gives sincere compliments, and we tend to like people who have such good taste as to appreciate our qualities!

Brainstorming with your child will help you come up with some good ways to praise your classmates. Keep his compliments fairly simple at first: “Your sweater is great!” or “Cool goal,” your child might say to another student who is good at basketball. “I like the way you painted the sky” - this is what you can say about a classmate’s work. This will open up new friendship opportunities for your child.

Kindness

Even small acts of kindness can be a way to communicate your desire to make friends. This could mean that your child shares a pencil with a classmate or helps carry a classmate's briefcase. Kindness tends to elicit kindness in return, and this is one of the best ways to start a friendship.

Research shows that children sometimes try to buy friends by giving them money or things. This certainly doesn't work. Other children may take these gifts, but they will not reciprocate and may even lose respect for your child. When you go looking for friendship with gifts, you may find something that is not at all what you expected.

And one more important piece of advice to give your child. Kindness is not manipulating a friend or deliberately influencing him. Sometimes small children get carried away and insist that their new friend play only with them. If the other child has completely different goals, he will soon get tired of such friendship. You may need to help your child find a less intrusive way to express their affection.

Just because two children live in the same area or study in the same class does not mean they will become friends. One of the most striking results that scientists have discovered when studying the characteristics of children's friendships is that children become friends with those they consider similar to themselves. Children can more easily make friends with children of the same age, gender, and ethnicity as them. Children may also become friends in terms of interests, social skills, popularity in the group, and achievements in school.

Thus, one of the important components of friendship is the formation of similarities. This term needs clarification. Similarity is appealing because it appeals to children on a practical and emotional level. On a practical level, it's very convenient to have a friend who does the same thing as you. For example, he likes to solve math problems or play chess. On an emotional level, being similar to a friend gives a feeling of comfort and trust.

Ask your child: “How can you understand that you have something in common with that boy (girl) over there?” The answers are the child’s observations that will help him understand for himself who he would like to be friends with.

Finding a common language with others does not mean that your child should be a clone of all other children. But this does not mean that a child will never be able to make friends with someone who has completely different interests. It simply means that friendship begins with some similar character traits or hobbies.

Attention Attention Strategy

One day a schoolgirl shared her strategy for making friends. “Just withdraw into yourself and look very, very sad. And then the children will come up on their own.” Well, this strategy may attract the attention of other girls and boys, but only once or twice, but it is hardly a good path to friendship. This schoolgirl simply did not understand that children usually want to be around children who live with pleasure and fun.

General fun

Another component of friendship is sharing in the fun. This confirms a classic study by psychologist John Gottman, who analyzed the formation of friendships between strangers. Eighteen children aged three to nine years old gathered to play in one of the houses for three days. The researchers found that the main sign that children were "getting along" was the extent to which they were able to maintain common play.

This is more complicated than it might seem at first glance. To enjoy interactions with peers, a child must behave in such a way that the other child can also play with him, can communicate his likes and dislikes, and resolve or avoid any disagreements. Certainly. There are many options. When play doesn't go the way we would like: children may be offended with each other or not put up with each other, snatch toys from other children, command other children around, hit another child... all this interferes with the overall fun. But it is the ability to resolve these situations that makes children's friendships successful.

Inviting children to play at your place

Once your child has made some progress with peers, either at school or outside of school, the best thing you can do to strengthen those friendships is to help your child invite other children to play. Before receiving guests, you need to talk with your child about how he can prove himself to be a good host. Good hosts try to entertain guests and give them maximum attention, and try not to argue with guests. They also play with the guest rather than leaving him alone. If your child has toys that are too valuable and you are afraid of damaging them, put them in another room until guests arrive.

There may be awkward moments at the beginning of the game when one child asks, "So...What do you want to do?" And the other child answers: “I don’t know. And what do you want?" Try to prevent this situation by helping your child build a plan of action in advance. Your child can plan at least two play options before guests arrive.

Or the child can tell his friends (friend) in advance why he is inviting them to his place. For example, your child could ask another child to come and bake cookies with him, ride bikes with him, play basketball, bowling, or go to the movies together. If both find it fun and enjoyable, the other child will associate your child with fun, which makes the friendship stronger and more interesting.

Loneliness is especially acute during adolescence. A growing person begins to be more and more critical of himself and others, his expectations and demands change. And the problem: “I don’t have a friend” becomes more and more painful. How to help a teenager cope with feelings of loneliness?

What words to find?

If your son or daughter says: for him or her it means “I feel bad.” Try to be as attentive as possible to the child during this period. Talk to him as much as possible, just don’t lecture, but try to understand. Be sincere, share your thoughts and experiences, memories of how you grew up, what was important to you then. Alas, much more often a teenager does not admit to his problems, but prefers to carry everything inside himself. But nevertheless, there are certain signals. A smart parent or teacher will notice them and try to help.

First of all, absolutely avoid criticism! Remember that any comments are received with hostility because they hurt an already sensitive, fragile soul. The teenager has very shaky self-esteem, he is just looking for himself and his place in this world. Therefore, if you react to the words: “I don’t have a friend” with criticism (“He doesn’t exist because you are not enough... smart, good, handsome, kind, you try”) and similar texts - be sure that you are in contact with the child

you will lose forever. Do not think that your comments will help him correct his shortcomings, that he will become better. This is one of the biggest misconceptions parents have. On the contrary, praise your teenager as often as possible, instill in him confidence in his attractiveness and abilities. In search of approval and recognition, children increasingly go into virtual reality, into communication with those who are just as lonely and unhappy. Not receiving praise and understanding from family and school, they begin to look for it in various companies, which are not always reliable and kind.

In addition, remember about the envy with which young creatures sometimes look at those peers who seem to them more mature, successful, and beautiful. For a girl, the thought “I don’t have a friend” is often closely related to the example of friends who have had boyfriends for a long time. It is during adolescence that one really wants to be no worse than others, to be attractive and to be admired. There is nothing wrong with this - this is a normal process of self-affirmation and personality development.

It is also important for a teenager what kind of friend a person is, whether he knows how to accept him for real, and not try to change him.

Perhaps after a long day at school or a busy weekend, they just want to relax alone, read a book or play computer games.
This behavior may be considered normal by a child, but if the child has no friends at all, there may be cause for concern, especially if the child feels lonely or does not measure up to the standards of his peers. The child may not receive invitations to holidays, often sit alone during school lunches, will not be accepted on the team during games, and will rarely, if ever, receive calls from friends.
Most children have a desire to be liked by their peers, but some do not fully understand how to make friends. Other children may crave companionship but be excluded from one group or another, perhaps because of their clothing, poor personal hygiene, obesity, or speech delay. Teenagers often find themselves rejected by their peers if they exhibit aggressive behavior. However, other children may hover on the edge of one group or the other without ever being noticed. Such children, who do not receive proper attention, spend most of their time alone.
In some cases, children are not able to make friends because it requires time and extra energy. They have a busy schedule of extracurricular activities, they live far from school, in places where there are no child care facilities or extracurricular activities for children, or they are too attached to their family.
For parents, a child who has no friends is a difficult and painful problem. This phenomenon is not uncommon: about 10% of school-age children say they do not have a best friend. These children may experience feelings of loneliness and social isolation, resulting in emotional problems and adjustment difficulties, or failure to learn the social skills needed for successful relationships with peers or adults.
Helping your child solve this social problem requires skill and sensitivity. If your child senses that you are passionately combating problems in his social life, or that you are being too didactic, he may become overly secretive or defensive, perhaps even feeling that he has upset you greatly by not being able to make friends. In response to your attempts to intervene, the child may refuse or deny the existence of any problem. Even if he says, "It's okay, Mom," he may still need companionship.

How to understand your child's problems

As a parent, you should try to find out why your child is unhappy or why he is rejected by his peers. From the point of view of an adult, the world of a child may seem very simple to you, but in fact this world is Complex and has high demands. For example, on the playground, your child has to cope with many different tasks: joining a group, conducting a dialogue, playing the game correctly; he will have to deal with teasing and other forms of provocation, and he must also be able to resolve conflict situations with other children. This is a lot of problems that he has to solve, and if the child does not know how to behave in a given situation, he may have difficulty establishing or maintaining friendly relationships.
There are many reasons in the child himself because of which he may not have friends, including rejection or inattention from others, or the child’s natural shyness. Rejected teens are openly disliked by their peers and often feel unwanted. They often act aggressively or exhibit restless behavior and react very strongly when teased. They may behave like bullies and troublemakers, or they may be so insecure that they begin to be rejected by others. They may also be rejected due to their impulsive or restless behavior. Some of them may experience lack of attention or hyperactivity.
In other cases, children deprived of attention are not clearly rejected, they are not teased, but are often simply ignored, forgotten, not invited to holidays and are among the last to be accepted into the team for the game. Such teenagers can be defined as loners, but they can also be passive and hate their isolation. Other children, on the other hand, enjoy spending time alone. These children may experience respect and admiration from others, but simply feel more comfortable alone or around parents, siblings, other adults, or even pets. They may lack the social skills and self-confidence needed to participate in social life, often due to limited social experience. Or they may simply be more shy, quiet, and introverted than their peers.

Shyness

Although childhood shyness is quite common, it causes concern on the part of many parents, especially those for whom sociability is a significant value. Some children become shy because of unpleasant life experiences, but most children are just born that way. For some children in their mid-teens, social situations and interactions can be a nightmare. When they come into contact with new guys, they rarely feel at ease. Usually they are unwilling or unable to take the first step, preferring to abandon a possible friendship rather than approach someone unfamiliar. Some timid children may experience emotional distress, but these children are in the minority. In fact, some children are introverted by nature and show slow reactions in new situations.
In some cases, shyness can deprive a child of certain opportunities. Children who are overly shy often do not adapt as easily to the classroom or playground environment as their peers. The longer this characteristic of a child’s character persists, the more difficult it is for him to change. Shyness can lead to deliberate avoidance of social environments and refusal to participate in social activities, ultimately resulting in an inability to function effectively as a social adult. If your child's shyness is causing a health problem, it could be due to an anxiety disorder or temperament type, and it may be helpful to get evaluated by a mental health professional.
But despite this, most shy children acquire the ability to make friends and feel good in social settings as soon as the initial period of adaptation to the situation ends. Children who have difficulty establishing and maintaining friendships, even after a turning point, require more participation and attention from adults. Eventually, many (perhaps most) shy children learn to overcome their shyness. They act in such a way that they do not appear timid or secretive, although they may feel very shy inside. Parents should carefully guide their children into social activities where they can learn to interact successfully with others.

The influence of the characteristics of a child’s upbringing on his character

Parents' temperament, social skills, and parenting style can affect a child's social opportunities and peer acceptance. If you are overly critical or disapproving of your child, do not accept him for who he is, or are aggressive towards him, your child will try to imitate your style and behave in a hostile and aggressive manner towards his peers. Conversely, if you treat him calmly and patiently, accepting him for who he is, your child will likely emulate the same qualities and make friends more easily.
Some experts divide parenting styles into three types.

Authoritarian parents tend to overly control their children, putting forward a number of rules and standards for them. Because they place great emphasis on strict control, they may forget about warmth and trust. Such parents tend to exert their power by restricting the child's freedom and even by stopping the expression of their love or approval. This parenting style can make the child feel rejected and isolated. He can develop only those social skills that his parents require of him, and he will remain dependent on his mother and father for a long time.

All-permissive parents go to the other extreme. They show a lot of warmth and love and usually accept the child for who he is; exercise a low level of control over children and demand little from them. Their children become moderately independent and achieve moderate social success.

Authoritative parents fall into the category between the above two extremes. By exercising the necessary control, they also give their children their warmth and love and have realistic expectations for their children. As a child moves through middle adolescence, parents become aware of their child's increasing maturity, promote appropriate levels of responsibility, and engage in reasoning and discussion about personality differences. Their children tend to be independent and tend to be socially successful.
Your attitude towards your child may also be determined by the characteristics of the child himself. For example, if your child has a difficult personality, you may be more anxious, aggressive, negative, more controlling towards the child, and begin to pay less attention to parenting and less often respond positively to the child's actions. As a result, the child may grow up feeling insecure and lacking the necessary social skills, and may experience difficulties in relationships with peers.

Social influence

Although in some cases children feel that the only reason they don't have friends is because of themselves, this is not actually true. Friendship is a mutual dynamic process that depends on how children perceive each other. During middle adolescence, children tend to perceive each other in general terms, often without appreciating more subtle individual differences or unique characteristics, which is the reason for rejection or inattention towards someone.
Often, an unloved child develops a negative self-image and develops a reputation among peers that is very difficult to change. Even if a child can improve his or her social skills, it is very difficult to change the labels attached to him and the prevailing perception of him by his peers. The child may decide to stick to his beliefs - so even if the unloved teenager eventually becomes a member of some group, he may not be fully accepted or not very friendly. And although formally the child will no longer be an outside observer, he may still experience a feeling of loneliness, isolation and low self-esteem.
Although some unloved children can change their behavior, others cannot and continue to behave in ways that interfere with their ability to make friends. Some teens have difficulty acquiring the new social skills they need, while others don't even realize they have relationship problems. However, for a certain portion of teenagers, the expectation of rejection becomes part of their lives, and this programmed expectation does not allow them to behave in ways that make friends. In some cases, several such influences operate simultaneously, and one enhances the other.
If families live in isolated rural areas far from school, children may have limited opportunities to have a social life after school or on weekends. Some societies do not have additional programs in which adolescents can participate together. Lack of financial resources in the family or frequent changes of work and housing by parents also add difficulties in making friends.

What parents can do

If you feel like your child doesn't have enough friends and it's bothering him, you need to intervene as early as possible. The first thing you need to do to help your child overcome loneliness and isolation is to acknowledge with your child that there really is a problem. Talk to him in a confidential manner. Although denial, despondency, embarrassment, or rationalization are normal reactions from a child, you both need to rise above them.

Try to establish open, trusting communication at home. Encourage your child to talk openly about their concerns and difficulties regarding friendship issues. He knows a lot more about his social skills than you do, so you just need to be a good listener. At the same time, this is a very sensitive topic, and the problems may be difficult for a teenager to fully understand. His own ideas and understanding of the motives for the behavior of team members may be incomplete.
Avoid downplaying your child's social problems with peers. If your teen is suffering and you can only give him modest comfort, let him know that you either don't understand or don't care. For example, if your child is called boring or stupid by his peers, don't tell him to simply ignore them. This is similar to telling an adult not to worry when he loses his job. Treat everything with understanding, do not judge him and be responsive.

Strike a balance between feelings of empathy and responsibility. In many cases, your child will be able to cope with social problems without your direct intervention. For example, if he is excluded from basketball games on the playground on Saturday nights, nothing could be worse for the child's peer authority than for you to intervene and insist that your child be allowed to participate in the game. (“This mummy’s boy is nowhere without his mommy!”) In addition, if you constantly come to his aid, the child may develop excessive dependence on you or he may express dissatisfaction with your intervention, which you do with the best of intentions: in this case, he will not will independently seek solutions to the problem.

Ask some basic questions. Parents can ask a few direct questions of the child, but remember that the line between interest, intrusiveness and interrogation is very thin. Try to carefully find out how the child sees the situation in which he finds himself. These could be the following questions.

Are you popular?
Who is popular? Why are they popular? Is it because other guys like them, or because...they want to be like them?
Are there guys you can always talk to and trust?
Do guys you know call each other names? What do they call each other? Do they call you names?
Is there a group you would like to be a member of? Or maybe there is someone you would like to be friends with?
Do you care what other guys think of you?

Watch your child. If the situation allows and you do not embarrass your child, observe him when he spends time with peers: this can happen at a pizzeria, during a sports match, or at the cinema. Pay attention to what impression he makes, what mood he is in, and what actions may cause a conflict situation or lead to his isolation.
Later, discuss what happened with your child and try to find other ways to interact with friends. Focus on specific behaviors and use real-life examples. For example: “At the pizzeria, I noticed that you took a sip of soda from Emily’s glass. How do you think she felt about it? What could you have done differently? Did you feel free with your friends or did you try to act differently because they were there?”

To help your child when he is having difficulties with his friends, you need to understand the nature of the problems he is facing. In addition to observing his interactions with peers in various situations, you can tactfully try to gather information from his siblings or peers. Take an interest in the groups and groups your child is a member of. In addition, learn as much as you can about what happens in certain areas where children are unsupervised, such as bus stops, cafeterias, and restrooms. You can even take a video of your child's behavior - at a birthday party, for example, so that you can study it carefully later.

Get the information you need from the school. Ask your child's teacher or school employee who supervises children on the playground how your child behaves with other children. Learn about his social relationships not only in the classroom, but also in places where children are unsupervised. The bus driver can provide you with useful information about relationships on the bus.
The teacher can talk about his impressions of whether the child feels confident or withdrawn. You may notice that the child exhibits some eccentric habits, which serve as a reason for jokes on him or psychological pressure from his peers. The teacher can give you some advice on what your child should do to make friends or identify other children with similar interests. In addition, a group of teenagers with similar needs may need to attend multiple sessions with a qualified professional.

Create a plan. With this information, you will be able to focus on common problems and guide your child in the right area by developing a strategy for becoming a part of group activities, practicing how to start and continue conversations, and effectively dealing with minor and more significant conflict situations.
Talk to your child about other children's opinions of him - what they think about the child and what qualities they consider important. If you can talk to him about his difficulties with friendships, you can guide your child and teach him what to do. If you also maintain and support other ways of rewarding success, you will help your child become resilient and persistent in the pursuit of success in the social sphere.

Guide your child. A child in this position needs help with directions on how to find social activities or get involved. Try to guide him into situations where he is likely to encounter other teens and build relationships. Invite your child to invite his classmate to stay overnight with you or go to the beach with you.
To increase your child's likelihood of success, encourage him to spend time with peers whose temperament types and interests match his own. For example, more active girls often have good friendships with active children. Try to persuade your child to become a member of the group on the basis that it will help him make one or more friends. Choose a friend who you think is closest to your child and whose temperament is similar to your child's, and give them the opportunity to spend time together. At first these may be short, carefully prepared events, and later gradually create less and less structured conditions. Usually, short visits and organized events are the easiest places to start.
Start by inviting your child's friend to go bowling or go to a sports game, movie, or playground - somewhere where they won't have to do much one-on-one interaction but can do things together side by side. Allow them to gradually prepare themselves by doing something that has a purpose rather than just a day at the beach or a night out together. As a rule, if the activity itself is enjoyable for children, and the time allocated for it is limited, the likelihood of success increases greatly. After this, if the initial meetings have gone well, children can be encouraged to begin activities, which can take place either in a specific location - a park or playground, or at home without a specific task to complete. In this case, your careful observation of the process may be required to avoid any problems arising.

As your child develops new friendships, get to know his friends. Invite him to invite them to your home where they can play together. It would be nice to meet their parents. Try to connect with their family members.

Identify your child's strengths or interests. Try to encourage your child to use their strengths when establishing friendships. For example, if he has a good sense of humor, he can use it during a game in class or another situation in which he is likely to be appreciated by his peers. If a child loves animals, he can meet other children who share his interests, go to the zoo with them, watch programs about nature/wildlife and animals together, or organize a project.

Develop your child's skills. If your child has some skills but these are not sufficient to meet his needs or to be accepted into a group of children with more advanced skills, he may need one-on-one tutoring. Depending on the nature of the skills, a relative, tutor, teacher, or older student may be able to help the child develop his skills to a level that satisfies his self-esteem, thereby increasing his popularity among his peers. These could be skills in sports activities, music or writing skills. Again, a specialized children's camp or weekend classes can help in this situation.

Seek help from specialists. If your child has serious problems establishing friendships, and your efforts to help him are unsuccessful, seek help from a pediatrician, child psychologist, or other specialist who deals with parenting problems. Experts can recommend programs to help your child develop social skills. Consultation with a child specialist or family therapy can help you guide your teen in developing friendships. Part of this therapy may include parent training to help you notice, reinforce, and reward positive changes in your child's behavior.
Other problems (such as inattention, learning disabilities, or emotional difficulties) may also lead to social difficulties. These children may require specialist help.
Remember that your child's ability to make and maintain friendships is closely tied to his success and self-esteem. If your child suffers from loneliness and isolation, you need to help him gain the confidence and social skills needed to interact with peers and enjoy positive friendships.

Peer relationship skills
Successful peer relationships require a range of skills and specific ways of interacting. Parents should try to discover these skills in their child and help them develop and model them. These are the skills:

cope with failures and disappointments;
coping with success;
adapt to changes in life;
cope with rejection and situations where you are teased;
curb anger;
show a sense of humor;
forgive;
Apologize;
refuse to accept a challenge;
come up with fun activities;
express your affection and love;
avoid dangerous situations;
protect myself;
to console someone;
share;
ask;
reveal yourself;
give compliments;
express a positive assessment;
cope with loss;
support a friend;
to provide services;
ask for help;
provide assistance to others;
keep secrets.

Why do some children have no friends?

Children may develop social problems for a variety of reasons that are beyond their or your control. Below are some that may contribute to your child's difficulty making or maintaining friends.

Difficulties related to the child himself

Temperament (difficult, shy)
Attention/hyperactivity problems
Learning disability
Problems with social skills
Problems with communication skills
Delayed physical, emotional or intellectual development
Physical disabilities
Chronic illness, frequent hospitalizations, absences from school
Poor motor skills that limit the child's participation in group activities
Emotional difficulties (depressed state, anxiety, low self-esteem)
Insufficient adherence to personal hygiene rules
Unattractive appearance
The child prefers to spend time alone
The child receives social satisfaction and friendship mainly from family members
Cultural values do not match those of peers

Difficulties with parents

Parents' parenting style (too authoritarian or permissive) adversely affects the child's social development. Parents overload the child with extracurricular activities, housework, or other work that takes away time, energy, or opportunities for friendships.
Parents are overly critical or negative about their child's choice of friends
Parents themselves have weak social skills, and the child does not have a worthy role model in role-playing games
Parent has depression or mental illness
A parent has problems with alcohol or drug abuse
Parenting style reflects family discord or uses violence
Parents are experiencing a crisis in marital relations, using pressure and insults
Parents overprotect the child or limit their freedom excessively
Parents find it difficult to adapt to their child's personality or special needs

Difficulties related to the social environment

The family lives in a remote rural area
The family's place of residence is far from the school
There are only a few children living in the neighborhood
The family goes away for the whole summer
The family is experiencing financial difficulties and has to move frequently from place to place.
There are cultural or linguistic differences in the family
The community offers a limited number of opportunities or programs for children to spend time together and prepare for life in the community
The risk of violence in common play areas prevents children from spending time together
The child's peer group establishes differences in dress, values, and behavior.

How to help a child in this situation?

1. Psychologically support the child. Encourage your child to talk about his experiences, listen to him carefully, do not judge, do not give advice. Try to communicate with the teenager in a friendly manner (since adolescence is characterized by the fact that parents lose their authority, and the opinions of peers become more important). Express your sympathy and understanding, voice the child’s feelings (for example, “I understand how offended you are,” “You want the guys to be friends with you,” etc.). Show your attention and concern. At the same time, do not show your excessive concern about the child’s problem, so as not to aggravate the situation. Start talking to your child about a problem when you see that he is ready for it, when he himself touches on this topic (do not use the word “problem”).

2. Try to understand the reasons for the child’s rejection by peers. By observing the child, talking with teachers, with the school psychologist and with the child himself, you can find out what exactly is preventing him from making friends and successfully communicating with peers. It could be:

Low self-esteem, self-doubt, shyness. Shyness and modesty are, in general, positive character traits. Modest people evoke respect and sympathy from many; it is pleasant to communicate with them. But everything is good in moderation. It’s bad when these traits prevent a person from building relationships with other people. A person who is too modest and shy experiences great difficulties in communication; it is difficult for him to adapt to a new environment. Shy teenagers are afraid of failures in communication and often refuse to participate in joint games or some kind of public affairs. They are closed for communication.

A child with low self-esteem considers himself unworthy of attention and respect and behaves accordingly. Considering himself not good enough, smart, or beautiful, he causes the same attitude towards himself from his peers and is not popular, does not arouse interest and desire to communicate with him.

Uncertainty manifests itself in the child’s constant doubts and indecisiveness. A child who is insecure rarely shows activity and does not take the first steps towards interacting with other children. It is also difficult for him to respond to the initiative of his peers.

Aggression, inability to communicate and establish contact.

A child who behaves aggressively towards other children is unlikely to gain their sympathy. Children will try to stay away from anyone who can cause them any harm. Experiencing difficulties in establishing contact, the child does not know how to attract attention to himself, how to respond to any actions or words, and behaves aggressively and inappropriately, because doesn't know how to react differently. This may be the result of an authoritarian parenting style that causes the child to become embittered; or, on the contrary, permissiveness leads to the formation of egoism.

Features of appearance, manner of dressing, lack of personal hygiene.

Teenagers attach special importance to appearance. And if a person’s figure or face seems unattractive to them, then they do not try to evaluate the positive qualities of his personality and do not show interest in this person. Teenagers “meet and judge their peers by their clothes.” They pay attention to how fashionably and neatly a person is dressed.

The child’s workload with studies and extracurricular activities.

The child may simply not have enough time for any joint activities with friends. An open, friendly teenager may experience a lack of communication due to a busy schedule. Of course, it is necessary to pay enough attention to education, but simple human communication is no less important for personal development than learning. In friendship, a child develops such character qualities as loyalty, the ability to empathize, diplomatic skills, etc. It is easier for a child to adapt to new conditions and generally endure various hardships in life with the support of a friend.

3. Change your behavior, change your style of communication with your child.

Parenting influences a child’s success in communication. Not only innate character qualities determine how sociable a child will become, but also what he sees in his family - how family members communicate with each other and with strangers, how open they are to communication, whether they trust strangers, whether they go on friendly terms with them. contact. The child learns from the example of his parents how to interact with others. If you are friendly with others, sociable, the child sees that you easily make new acquaintances, are hospitable, and are generally open to communication, then he will behave the same way. If you yourself are aggressive, distrustful of people you don’t know, often criticize, discuss someone, then the child adopts this style of behavior, learns to condemn and criticize, and develops a negative attitude towards other people. The child learns to see only negative qualities in people and to suspect.

If you often criticize and condemn a child, then he develops a negative attitude towards himself. This greatly interferes with communication, because... the child considers himself simply unworthy of the attention of others. Hearing constant comments addressed to him, the child concludes that he is nothing of himself and will not be interesting to others, is afraid to take the initiative in communication, is afraid of being rejected. Do not make comments to the teenager in front of others; do not demand from other children that they accept it, by doing this you will only undermine the child’s authority. Praise your child more often and pay attention to his strengths. Support your child’s faith in his own strength in every possible way.

4. Encourage your child to constantly practice their communication skills.

Create as many situations as possible in which the child will have to communicate with other children. It’s good if a child is involved in a club or sports section, where he can find friends with similar interests. Support him whenever he takes the initiative to communicate and behaves in a friendly and open manner.

5. Help your child take responsibility for his successes/failures in communication.

We need to help the child understand that the attitude of his peers towards him depends on how he himself treats them and how he behaves. A psychologist can help you with this. You can invite your child to attend communication training.

If a teenager has no friends, his peers do not accept him, then he has some kind of psychological problems. And failures and rejection from peers only make the problems worse. For a child to be successful, he needs to be happy, because it’s not without reason that they say: “As long as you are happy, you will have many friends.” Give your child as many positive experiences as possible - travel, holidays, little surprises on weekdays. “Make friends” with your teenager, become for him the person he can always turn to for advice and help.

Bykovskaya N.Yu., Head of the Center for Work with Parents of the Educational Institution of Further Education "IROOO".

Summary: Communication problems in children. The child has no friends and no friends what to do. Unsociability. Unsociable child. Communication training.

In this article, I've focused on three broad categories of "friendless kids." Each includes children who would like to expand or improve their friendships. I will not deal with extreme cases of alienation from society or those children who do not communicate at all with their peers. The subject of discussion will be the much broader area of communication difficulties that most children will experience at some stage in their lives.

I will look at three categories of children without friends. The first is children who find it difficult to make friends or maintain friendships due to a lack of necessary communication skills. The second category is represented by children who have lost friends as a result of changing their place of residence or school. And the third category are children whose friendships have been shaken or interrupted as a result of the gradual emergence of psychological isolation. These three categories are not mutually exclusive. For example, it may turn out that a girl who moved with her family to another part of the country also does not have the communication skills necessary to make friends in her new environment. But these categories are useful as generalizing concepts that will help us consider a range of issues related to childhood friendship, its absence or loss. In each case, I will describe children's experiences, explore hypotheses about factors that may influence friendship experiences, and suggest ways in which positive outcomes might be facilitated.

Lack of communication skills

Many children find it difficult to make or maintain friendships because they lack the necessary social skills to do so. Danny is just such a child. He is a bright, lively three-year-old who attended morning pre-kindergarten five times a week. Danny really wanted to have friends, but he couldn't make it. At the beginning of the year, he usually rarely went near other children and was able to wander around on his own most of the time. He stood out noticeably in singing lessons when he launched into lengthy reproductions of songs he had learned at home. During the semester, Danny repeatedly tried to become a participant in children's activities, but all his attempts were unsuccessful. For example, he will approach Alison and Becky, who are solving a puzzle, and stand next to them. Alison calmly tells him: “Get out of here.” "Why?" - asks Danny. "Because I don't need you here." Danny quietly disappears. Another time, Danny walks up to the table where Josh is working and says, "Hi." Josh doesn't respond, and Danny simply leaves. Since Danny was unable to attract the attention of other children, he tried to communicate with teachers. So, while some children are playing with colored plastic tubes, Danny picks up some tubes and, turning to the head teacher, asks: “Will you collect them with me, Mrs. Benson?” When, in response, the teacher invites him to play with Dylan, Danny, with pipes in his hands, goes to the far table alone, while humming some song to himself. Another incident: Danny and Kevin are swinging together on the ropes. Then Kevin runs away and calls his best friend Jake to join him. Danny was left swinging alone. He slowly walks to the school fence and looks for a long time through the crack at the neighboring schoolyard, where unfamiliar children from a parallel class are playing. When asked who his best friend is at school, Danny answers "Caleb". When Danny is asked why Caleb is his friend, he replies: "Because I want him to be."

To make and maintain friendships, children need to learn several different skills. They must be able to participate in group activities, learn to be supportive and supportive of their peers, handle conflicts appropriately, and demonstrate sensitivity and tact. Mastering such skills can be difficult. As Jenny's experience shows, in kindergarten, children who make direct attempts to join an already established group activity are at risk of being abruptly rejected. William Corsaro notes that once two or more children have come up with and defined an activity for themselves, be it solving a puzzle or flying on board a spaceship, they often “protect” their activity by keeping out anyone else who might dare to do so. ask to see them. They may not respond to a greeting, to the question “What are you doing?” - to answer: “We make Easter cakes, but you don’t”, and to a direct question: “Can I come with you?” - to give the same direct answer: “No.” So, to engage in an activity, a child apparently needs to be careful, be able to maneuver skillfully, and be persistent after the first refusal - a skill that Danny has not yet mastered.

The art of making friends also includes the ability to be a friend. The most popular children with whom their classmates like to play are those who often pay attention to their peers, praise them and willingly respond to their requests. In contrast, children who are often ignored, ridiculed, blamed, threatened, or refused to interact with their peers are usually disliked by their classmates. This means that in order for a child to be included and accepted into their community by other children, he or she must also be “included” and “accepted.” It must be admitted, however, that “friendly” behavior is not always rewarded with friendship. Whether an expression of affection will truly be appreciated by another child depends on how the affection is expressed and how it is understood by the recipient. While some children need to learn to be more friendly, others need to learn to restrain too much friendly behavior.

As children develop empathy, they also learn the subtle art of interaction necessary to resolve conflict and maintain friendships. Even four-year-old children can show this tact, especially when it comes to close friends. To confirm these words, I can, for example, refer to a conversation I overheard between David and Josh, who were walking together, pretending to be robots:

DAVID. I am a robot rocket and I can launch rockets from my fingers. I can shoot them from anywhere, even from my feet. I am a robot rocket.

JOSH (teasingly). No, you're a farting robot.

DAVID (protesting) No, I'm a robot rocket.

JOSH. No, you're a farting robot.

DAVID (offended, almost crying) No, Josh!

JOSH (realizing that David is upset) And I'm a fart-fart robot.

DAVID (cheerful again) I'm a pee-wee robot.

During this argument, Josh realized that he had said something (“You're a farting robot”) that really upset his friend. He skillfully got out of the situation by humiliating himself (“And I’m a robot fart-fart”), thus showing. that his mockery should not be taken seriously. David's response ("I'm a robot pee-wee") to Josh's move means that Josh accurately assessed the situation and successfully saved his friend from humiliation.

Acquiring friendship skills can be very difficult for a preschooler, especially if he or she has not had much past experience interacting with peers without direct adult supervision. Kindergartens often serve as a "testing ground" for the development of such skills.

Children acquire communication skills not so much from adults as from contact with each other. Through trial and error, they are more likely to discover which behaviors work and which don't. Children also learn communication skills from the direct tutelage of their peers or from their examples. When David once whined, “Harry pushed me,” Josh confidently advised him, “Just tell him to stop.” In other cases, children introduce their friends to each other, help others find common cause, or show them how to resolve conflicts. And I am inclined to believe that this kind of advice and help from respected peers is often more effective than similar intervention from teachers or parents.

However, there are times when children need adult help to learn specific friendship skills. The vicious circle - when children want to be friends, but do not have the skill of friendly communication - can be set in motion. Single children need to interact with their peers to gain the confidence and skills needed to communicate successfully. But their lack of communication skills - for example, if they are unable to approach other children or often scare them away - may deprive them of just such an opportunity. In such cases, parental or teacher intervention may be required. One way is to pair a child who has no friends with some other specific child - sometimes one who also has no friends - with whom adults think he might get along. At least in some cases, such "pimping" helps two withdrawn children gain initial and valuable experience of social acceptance. Another way is to pair an older child who is too competitive or too aggressive with a younger child, to whom the former (the bully) treats as a “big brother” and, in this role, learns that You can gain acceptance without being a bully.

Psychologists have also developed a number of programs for teaching communication skills to preschool and school-age children. In these programs, children classified as loners or outcasts are given a series of sessions that demonstrate specific communication skills, provide opportunities to practice them, and provide feedback on their results. In one such program, unpopular third- and fourth-graders participated in pairs in a series of training sessions aimed at acquiring four sets of skills: how to take part in certain games, take turns and do things together, and communicate more verbally with other children. and how to support peers by giving them attention and assistance. At least in some cases, such training programs significantly contributed to the involvement of children who were initially unpopular among their peers.

Because communication programs tend to focus on promoting children's social acceptance or popularity, some nagging questions about value systems arise. Do these programs really help children develop the ability to make friends, or are they tailored to the American ideal of glib sociability and good nature, which has little connection with real friendship. (Peter Swedfeld explains our society's tendency to advocate for "getting it together") The answer to this question depends both on the details of the program and on the value systems of the adults who implement it. From the point of view of some, at least leading, practitioners, “the goal of teaching communication skills is not to create “popular” or “outgoing” children, but to help children, whatever their personality type, develop real relationships... with at least one child or two, one may also question whether it is ethical to impose communication skills training on children who have little choice in the matter and who in some cases may not actually feel the desire to transform. in “friendlier” ones. Ultimately, the most compelling argument in favor of such programs is that they apparently can increase the child’s level of self-control over his own life:

"A child who is capable of initiating play or socializing with others may still prefer to spend time alone. But such a child will be able to communicate successfully when he or she wants to or if the situation demands it. On the other hand, a child who does not a person with communication skills may be left alone or “isolated” more out of necessity than by choice.”

To teach children friendship skills in a school or home setting, parents and teachers do not need to open formal courses; it is enough to resort to demonstration of such skills, explanations and feedback about them. Although adults have a role to play when teaching children communication skills, it is best if they play it unobtrusively. In particular, adults need to beware of “correcting” in front of all children who have not yet mastered some skills and thus embarrassing them, as well as publicly calling children “shy”, because they will begin to consider themselves just that.

Social skills should not be indiscriminately imposed on adults, but rather respect the real differences between children, which encourage some children to form friendships with many peers, others to focus on one or two friendships, and still others to spend a lot of time alone. Any of these models may suit and suit the individual child. When trying to help children make friends, we should be more interested in the quality of children's friendships rather than the number of them.