How to properly encourage children? Advice from a psychologist. Ways to encourage a child Rewards for children 5 years old

Praise is a kind of art of education. It can be both “useful” and “harmful”. A number of simple rules will help parents master this art. By mastering them, you can avoid many mistakes.

You immediately want to “put in its place” exaggerated praise and show your true nature.

Do not throw undeserved praise left and right, trying to win over your child. Many parents report that such unjustified praise resulted in completely unbearable behavior in their offspring. The parents shrugged their shoulders, calling it a paradox. And this is what happens: children feel insincerity, exaggerated praise and immediately want to be “put in their place”, to show their true nature. The child, as if feeling doubt about whether he is “wonderful, sweet, irreplaceable,” tries to refute the praise with his behavior.

But how can you make praise sincere, appropriate, and correctly understood? The first golden rule is that praise should be directed at the child’s actions, and not at his personality! Examples of harmful praise could be: “You are such a wonderful daughter!”, “You are a real mom’s helper!”, “You are so kind and sympathetic, what would we do without you?” The child may feel anxious because he is far from being as perfect as they say. And here there are two options for behavior. First: most likely, the child, without waiting for “exposure,” will himself prove his “not so ideal” nature by bad behavior. But the second option is also possible, when the child himself stops being sincere and adapts to praise and prefers exclusively those situations where he can show off only his most advantageous side. And listening to the endless exclamations of loving grandmothers: “What a wonderful child! Exceptional abilities! What a clever girl!” – the baby runs the risk of growing up to be a narcissistic egocentric.

The child will appreciate sincere praise, and next time he will be sincerely glad to please you.

So, if you want to praise a child (for example, for a tidy room), do not rush to exclaim, “You are my assistant, what a great job!” Just say with a smile: “The room is now clean, it’s so nice to come here.” Believe me, the child will appreciate it and next time he will be sincerely glad to please you. And if, let’s say, you want to praise him for a beautiful drawing, then don’t rush to conclusions like: “You’re growing into a real artist!” – the child may doubt or be upset if the next drawing does not turn out so well. It’s better to pay attention to the drawing itself, for example: “What a big house you drew, there are so many bright colors around, and you haven’t forgotten about the animals. And what a tall tree there are – how many apples are on it!” In this way, you will show a keen interest in the child’s creativity, but will avoid a “harmful” assessment of the child’s personality.

You need to be able to construct your comments in such a way that the child himself draws conclusions about his abilities. For example, if your son helped you move a heavy cabinet, instead of saying “how strong you are,” you can say how heavy the cabinet was, how difficult it was to move it, but together you managed. The child will draw his own conclusions: “That means I’m strong, I’m needed!” Or, having assessed the child’s ability to write poetry, instead of “You will be a wonderful poet,” it is better to tell him: “Your poem touched me very much.”

The child must realize that he himself is capable of much by nature, without making special efforts.

The second golden rule is do not praise your child for natural things. Don't make something extraordinary out of his sociality.

This rule was revealed very well by psychotherapist Jean Ledloff: “If a child has done something useful, for example, dressed himself, fed the dog, picked a bouquet of wildflowers, nothing can offend him more than an expression of surprise at his social behavior. Exclamations like: “Oh, how smart you are!”, “Look what he made, and even by himself!” - imply that sociality in a child is unexpected, unusual and unusual.” The child must realize that he himself is capable of much by nature, without making special efforts. So is it worth confusing him with inappropriate praise? And finally,. You should not encourage your child to help with housework or creative activities with money. A person successfully does what he chooses sincerely, for internal reasons. If the child knows that the action will be followed by payment, then he will radically change the nature of his behavior - from “creative doing” his activity will turn into “making money.”

Having mastered the art of praise, do not forget that a kind look, a gentle touch, hugs, games, communication are also important for a child - in a word, everything on which the language of love and trust is based.

Text: Irina Belomaz
The text is abbreviated

Encouraging children is a very effective way of parenting, providing an additional incentive for good behavior. This is why it is necessary to use a variety of forms of praise.

But parents should be careful when it comes to rewards, as too much of them can have a negative impact on the development of the child’s personality. How to properly encourage a child and what should not be praised for?

Psychologists clarify that praising children often leads to the appearance of such unpleasant character traits as capriciousness, selfishness, and infantilism. Some mothers and fathers do not see the difference between encouragement and material reward, trying to secure children's obedience with the help of money.

Consequently, praise can become both a useful and harmful “tool” of education.

A few simple rules will help you master the art of encouragement; once you learn them, you can avoid many educational mistakes.

How can you encourage your child?

In fact, there are many forms of toddler approval that work effectively depending on specific situations. What methods of encouragement do psychologists identify?

The widely used and most common method of encouragement is regular praise, which involves verbal influence. Simply put, a child is praised for good behavior, his actions are approved, and supported by his parents.
Another effective method is affection, which includes kisses, hugs, and gentle stroking on the back or head. Sometimes they are more important and much more effective than ordinary words. This form of encouragement is most often used for young children.
An interesting way of motivating reward is additional time for joint entertainment or games. It is often used to get children to do the required thing. For example: “We will go to the playground as soon as you clean your room.”
If older children behave well and help adults, they can be encouraged by expanding their rights and removing prohibitions on any actions. For example, schoolchildren are allowed to go to bed half an hour to an hour later for good grades.
Toys, sweets and other rewards motivate children to do the right things. However, this method should be treated with caution, since many children begin to demand a financial incentive for each of their actions.

The best effect can be achieved using various methods of encouragement depending on the age of the baby and his psychological characteristics.

Parental mistakes when encouraging children

We have already said that thoughtless use of praise can harm both the child himself and your relationship with him. Check if you are repeating the following mistakes when communicating with your baby.

Sometimes children behave well only in the presence of other people, wanting to get a reward or to impress. This often happens due to excessive praise from parents and grandmothers: “You are the smartest boy in the world!”
Little manipulators grow up in families in which adults try to “bribe” children with various rewards for any good deed. Did your child share his car with his little sister? Adults buy him a new toy, etc.
Some parents praise their child while belittling the merits of other children. For example: “Your drawing is much more beautiful than Masha’s.” It is preferable to compare the child with himself, pointing out that with each achievement he becomes smarter and more economical.

How to reward a child for good behavior?

In order for rewards to be sincere, appropriate and correctly understood by children, they must be used correctly.

Any praise should be fair and consistent with the child's behavior. So, you shouldn’t praise or give gifts for behavior that is natural at his age: the baby once again put on a blouse, laced his shoes, etc. And on the contrary, be sure to celebrate important achievements and significant actions: the child helped his mother carry her bag, drew a beautiful picture.
It is preferable to praise not the baby himself, but his good deed. If a child puts away the toys in the nursery, you should not say: “You are smart.” Say better: “After cleaning, your room became so clean. It’s very nice to walk into it.” And when praising, don’t get off with general phrases like: “Beautiful drawing.” Mark those elements of the image that you especially liked: bright flowers, a tree that looks very alive, funny bunnies.
Often children do not need praise or rewards; what is important for them is to enjoy the creativity itself or a new achievement. In this case, parents can voice the child’s feelings and thereby support the desire for knowledge. “I’m very glad that you learned to ride a bike. You look happy and happy with your success! Now we will ride together in the park."

Of course, every family has its own rules for reward and praise. The main thing is that they help establish good relationships between household members and do not interfere with the upbringing of the baby.

Is it possible to reward a child with money?

The monetary reward method has both supporters and ardent opponents. Followers of this method note that weekly payments for good grades or small sums for washed dishes discipline children. Opponents believe that a child who receives money for household chores is focused only on external results.

Many psychologists also have a negative attitude towards monetary rewards. Experts are confident that children should carry out household chores selflessly. If you want your child to learn how to manage money, wait until he is older. Junior schoolchildren can already be given pocket money for small expenses.

Experienced parents offer alternative ways to reward good behavior. If you don't like the idea of a cash reward, find an alternative to money.

For example, multi-colored beads and bright buttons will be an excellent replacement for coins. Develop a payment system with your child, according to which washing dishes will correspond to, for example, two buttons.

In this case, children should be able to “earn” something significant in a week so that they have the motivation to move on. Encouragement can be a joint trip to a cinema, a circus, or a visit to a children's entertainment center.

It is up to the parents to decide whether to use the monetary reward method.

Do not forget that when choosing a method of encouragement, you should take into account the personal qualities of your child. And even if you choose the best method, use it very carefully, since excessive use of praise and rewards can easily turn into parenting.

We often scold children. At the same time, we forget that they deserve encouragement. After all, this is not just a good pedagogical technique, but also an incentive for good behavior. How to properly encourage children? How to find that golden mean that would help the child to correctly perceive this encouragement, and the parent to correctly praise him? The advice of a psychologist will help you figure this out.

Parents, psychologists say, should approach rewards with caution, since their excess can negatively affect the formation of a child’s personality. They clarify that praising children often leads to the appearance of such unpleasant character traits as capriciousness, selfishness, and immaturity.

Some mothers and fathers do not see the difference between encouragement and material reward, trying to secure children's obedience with the help of money. Consequently, praise can become both a useful and harmful “tool” of education.

A few simple rules will help you master the art of encouragement; once you learn them, you can avoid many educational mistakes.

How can you encourage your child?

In fact, there are many forms of toddler approval that work effectively depending on specific situations. What methods of encouragement do psychologists identify?

The widely used and most common method of encouragement is regular praise, which involves verbal influence. Simply put, a child is praised for good behavior, his actions are approved, and supported by his parents.

Another effective method is affection, which includes kisses, hugs, and gentle stroking on the back or head. Sometimes they are more important and much more effective than ordinary words. This form of encouragement is most often used for young children.

An interesting way of motivating reward is additional time for joint entertainment or games. It is often used to get children to do the required thing. For example: “We will go to the playground as soon as you clean your room.”

If older children behave well and help adults, they can be encouraged by expanding their rights and removing prohibitions on any actions. For example, schoolchildren are allowed to go to bed half an hour to an hour later for good grades.

Toys, sweets and other rewards motivate children to do the right things. However, this method should be treated with caution, since many children begin to demand a financial incentive for each of their actions.

The best effect can be achieved using various methods of encouragement depending on the age of the baby and his psychological characteristics.

Parental mistakes when encouraging children

Sometimes children behave well only in the presence of other people, wanting to get a reward or to impress. This often happens due to excessive praise from parents and grandmothers: “You are the smartest boy in the world!”

Little manipulators grow up in families in which adults try to “bribe” children with various rewards for any good deed. Did your child share his car with his little sister? Adults buy him a new toy, etc.

Some parents praise their child while belittling the merits of other children. For example: “Your drawing is much more beautiful than Masha’s.” It is preferable to compare the child with himself, pointing out that with each achievement he becomes smarter and more economical.

How to reward a child for good behavior?

In order for rewards to be sincere, appropriate and correctly understood by children, they must be used correctly.

Any praise should be fair and consistent with the child's behavior. So, you shouldn’t praise or give gifts for behavior that is natural at his age: the baby once again put on a blouse, laced his shoes, etc. And on the contrary, be sure to celebrate important achievements and significant actions: the child helped his mother carry her bag, drew a beautiful picture.

It is preferable to praise not the baby himself, but his good deed. If a child puts away the toys in the nursery, you should not say: “You are smart.” Say better: “After cleaning, your room became so clean. It’s very nice to walk into it.” And when praising, don’t get off with general phrases like: “Beautiful drawing.” Mark those elements of the image that you especially liked: bright flowers, a tree that looks very alive, funny bunnies.

Often children do not need praise or rewards; what is important for them is to enjoy the creativity itself or a new achievement. In this case, parents can voice the child’s feelings and thereby support the desire for knowledge. “I’m very glad that you learned to ride a bike. You look happy and happy with your success! Now we will ride together in the park."

Is it possible to reward a child with money?

Psychologist's advice

Experienced parents offer alternative ways to reward good behavior. If you don't like the idea of a cash reward, find an alternative to money.

It is up to the parents to decide whether to use the monetary reward method. Do not forget that when choosing a method of encouragement, you should take into account the personal qualities of your child. And even if you choose the best method, use it very carefully, since excessive use of praise and rewards can easily turn into parenting.

Pre-adolescent children learn to be good, to do not only what they like, but also begin to understand that a good attitude depends on the effort they put in - this happens when parents use rewards as encouragement for good behavior.

In the modern world, when most parents are constantly at work, children desperately need the attention of mom and dad, so for many, the greater reward will not be buying a new toy or phone, but simply having their beloved parents nearby.

You can combine encouragement and spending time together, which is so necessary for the child, for example, everyone can go to a water park, cafe or for a walk together.

Younger children will enjoy hearing one more story than usual as a reward for good behavior during the day. Also, the baby can be allowed to walk longer in the yard with peers...

To do this, there are several simple rules that parents should follow. Any encouragement must be consistent with the behavior and actions of children, i.e. be fair. It makes no sense to praise, give gifts, or lift bans for all the good deeds or the use of skills the child already knows.

For example, a child has learned to tie his own shoelaces; you can reward him for this, but you don’t need to do this every time he repeats this action. Conversely, more significant actions cannot be ignored. For example, a child helped his mother wash the dishes and clean up.

You should not encourage a child out of pity. If, for example, he was offended on the playground, you should not calm him down with candy or chocolate, it is better to help him by teaching him how to act correctly in such a situation.

You cannot buy a child’s affection for you with praise and gifts. It is better to try to establish a trusting relationship with him through communication. Gradually, you need to strive to wean the child from constant material rewards for some of his actions, since he will demand gifts every time. It is necessary to explain to him that actions are performed selflessly.

If parents praise a child, then one should always focus on the action that they support, so that the child knows what can and should be done...

Forms of encouragement for teenage children at home

Of course, we must understand that the thoughtless use of all methods of encouraging a child causes great harm to upbringing. Children who are rewarded for every correct step do not see the boundaries of what is permitted; it is difficult for them to determine where what is possible ends and what is not begins. Such a child develops perfectionism when, striving for a better result, he is unable to accept obstacles in his path and is very worried about failures. This is especially difficult in adult life, which is full of obstacles and difficult tasks.

By resorting to excessive use of praise, parents form in their children inflated self-esteem, selfishness, and selfishness. In this case, the child lacks respect for parents, other adults, and peers.

When a child reaches adolescence, chocolate is no longer enough as a reward for him, he also will not go on a swing, i.e. a teenager has other needs and parents have to adapt to them. How can you encourage a teenage child? Children at this age need money and help. You should not offer money to your child too often; if you follow moderation, this type of reward turns out to be quite effective.

If a teenager, for example, does not want to fulfill the requests of his parents or spend time on this or that activity, the parents can simply suggest that he increase the amount of pocket money or give him a small amount if he is saving for something. If the family does not have extra money, then the parents can offer the child to take him where he needs to go, or help him perform some of his household duties.

Some parents reward their children with money for good grades at school. This approach is quite productive. You can encourage a teenager’s academic performance not only with money, but also allow him, for example, to take a longer walk or go to the cinema. A child is usually given freedom after he has gained the appropriate trust of his parents. High academic performance may be just one way to gain trust. After all, if a teenager studies well, he thereby demonstrates that he is responsible enough, which means he can be trusted.

It is quite difficult to say unequivocally about the harm or positive nature of one-time incentives, since it is impossible to monitor their effectiveness. We can only say unequivocally that the entire education system as a whole has a positive or negative impact on the child’s character.

Every child has the right to attention, affection, and praise. Only parental instinct will tell you in what form to provide this attention and whether your child needs praise.

Reward and punishment for children

How and why to praise a child? The difficulties of parents in using techniques and methods of praise and encouragement are primarily due to the fact that many of them imagine education as correcting any mistakes or incorrect behavior of the child. This point of view is erroneous, since it fosters not so much the negative as the positive. Example, a child is born, he receives positive reinforcement from his mother (the touch of gentle hands, a smile, gentle lullabies, etc.). Words of encouragement for children are heard very often at an early age. When kids grow up, many parents think that prohibitions, remarks, and punishments are more effective. In reality, the situation is such that it is necessary to use both encouragement and punishment in education. Measures to reward and punish a child in the family are determined by the parents themselves, which is quite natural; these are two sides of the same process. It will be better if reward prevails over punishment.

Working with children in kindergarten, I very rarely heard parents ask why they should praise their child and how to praise them. Usually they ask questions like: “What should we do? My son doesn’t want to collect his toys before bed. Doesn't like to read. Doesn't listen when you ask him to do something." We decided to hold a parent meeting on the topic “Dosage of rewards and punishments.” Before the meeting, parents were given a sheet with the questions “Why do we praise and why do we punish our child?” You just had to list the things for which the child received praise or encouragement. To the surprise of the parents themselves, everyone had almost the same result - the number of punishments exceeded the number of rewards. The reasons and dosage of the ratios were, of course, different, but most parents find it difficult to praise their child; it seems to them that if the child does as they require of him, then this goes without saying, is quite natural. They focus their attention on the kids’ mistakes and mistakes.

Encouraging your child at home

What can you praise a child for? All aspects of a child’s behavior can and should be encouraged: rewarding children for good behavior, the effort the child makes in the process of activity. So: your child does not know how to draw, but he diligently completes the teacher’s drawing assignments.

Praise the child for what he did, even if not very well, but he was responsible for doing it. Praise for getting a B in math. So what if you were expecting an A, because a B is also a good mark, its receipt is associated with the effort and diligence of your student - not noticing this and not praising it is a big mistake. It is precisely because parents rarely praise their children that children develop a “chronic lack of rewards.”

The meaning of praise for a child

It should be remembered that the importance of encouragement for children has one important feature - a feeling of success, the joy of one’s own achievement. The task of parents is to teach them to enjoy success.
Encouragement does not allow children to “slow down” their inner joy from the work they have done and the effort they have expended. It is very good if your encouragement emphasizes the child’s ability to make efforts to achieve a goal, and his joy from the success achieved.

Measures to encourage a child in the family – gratitude to children can also serve as encouragement. Gratitude can and should be shown for the child’s emotional sensitivity, his kindness towards people close to him, and the ability to find the right solution in a difficult situation. Shy, indecisive children especially need gratitude and praise. Such children need to be instilled with a sense of self-confidence and focus on completing relatively easy tasks. Of course, praise and gratitude should be taken into account the characteristics of the children, the capabilities of the family and actual achievements. An overpraised child has difficulty adapting to life outside the family. Such children very often try to get the required reward at any cost.

How can you preserve a child’s ability to enjoy work? Reward this deed. For example, Dasha loved to wash dishes, but she was still small and did not know how to wash them, and she did not want to clean up her toys. Mom used a trick, telling her one day: “When you collect your toys before bed, I’ll teach you how to wash the dishes.” Mom's trick worked. First, she taught the girl to wash spoons and forks, then mugs, so the girl got used to washing dishes after eating. This encouragement soon grew into a permanent assignment. Modern life has limited the need for household work, but you can still find an honorable duty for your child if you try. For example, a child of preschool or primary school age, as a form of praise, is taught to use a vacuum cleaner, and allowed to play on a computer, which were previously prohibited from using. Gradually let working with a vacuum cleaner become his constant assignment, and playing on the computer a reward. Rewards and encouragement can be the child’s participation in preparing for receiving guests, preparing a gift for grandma for her birthday, or caring for animals. The girl wants to help her mother prepare the pie - use her desire as encouragement, then this can develop into an assignment. By giving your child this or that task as praise, you emphasize his increased competence, achievement of success in behavior, work done, etc.
In general, the specific path of rewards and praise depends on the family context. One thing is important: by giving your child the opportunity for new activities, you confirm the successes he has achieved and encourage him to further improve himself.

You cannot use rewards and punishments in raising children according to the logic of natural consequences: “if you study well, you get money for a movie, a treat.” It's more like bribery than encouragement. You can, of course, financially reward a child for good studies, but it should look respectable, for example, like a bonus for a job well done. Otherwise, children will become ingrained in the idea that it is important to get a good score, but how success is achieved is not particularly important. It should be remembered that one day it may happen that the taste of candy turns out to be bitter for the child.

J. Korczak defined the rules for encouraging children roughly as follows: the child must be instilled with a sense of confidence, and attention must be paid to his achievements and successes. At the same time, it is very important that praise and encouragement are stimulants for children to act independently, but at the same time, you should not overtire the child with your demands, do not overestimate them, but show how successfully the child can cope with the work.